


With You By My Side

by mismatched_ideas



Series: It's Easier With You [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Divergent, Domestic Fluff, Family Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, I combined the shitty viktor family and the loving viktor family, Like jesus, M/M, New York City AU, Okay so there's less fluff than I expected but I swear you're gonna get cavities later, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), SO MUCH FLUFF, The cutest married couple, Time Skips, also, and less fluff, but I'm keeping the fluff based tags, cause I love both head canons, loving family, okay so now that I've outline, simple for a sappy ass scene at the end of the fic, there may be more angst than I previously thought
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-09-16 13:31:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 32,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9274043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mismatched_ideas/pseuds/mismatched_ideas
Summary: With you by my side I will never falter, I will never fall.With you by my side I will survive every cut and every punch.With you by my side I will never be afraid.Yuuri and Viktor have been married for some time now and yet they still held secrets they were too afraid to share. For Yuuri, Viktor's past is not important because they are together now. For Viktor, his past is important but he'd rather forget because he loved Yuuri more than any memories.(Can be read without reading part 1 of this series)





	1. Sneezes in Russian

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Caroline](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caroline/gifts), [alison](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alison/gifts).



> Chapters alternate between current time (after the previous fic in this series, approximately 2020) and various times in the past. For reference, I am assuming that the majority of the series takes place in 2016 (Yuuri's first grand prix would have been in 2015). 
> 
> If there is no time marker, assume it is in "current time". All else will have a marker for where they take place. 
> 
> If that's confusing, feel free to ask me about it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2/27/2017 - Edits Starto!

“Here you are.” Yuuri set a tray onto Viktor’s lap, “Okayu. The recipe is the same one my mom used when I was sick.”

“Thanks.” Viktor rasped, his voice all but gone. Gingerly he tried to pick up the spoon but gave up half way through. “It’s too hard.”

“Viktor.” Yuuri sighed, picking up the spoon for his husband. 

Viktor had started getting sick a few days ago but refused to rest or in anyway take care of himself and he’d only gotten sicker. He’d finally stopped coughing, but he could barely speak and he just kept sneezing. Yuuri wouldn’t mind taking care of him if he wasn’t so needy. No, that was the wrong word, but it was the closest one Yuuri could come up with at the moment. 

“It’s too hot.” Viktor whined before sneezing for the fifteenth time in as many minutes. If it weren’t for the whining Yuuri might not have minded this as much, not that he wanted to see someone he loved sick. It was just hat Viktor had what might be the cutest sneezes Yuuri had ever seen. “Blow on it for me.”

“Okay, okay.” Yuuri did as he was told before unceremoniously shoving the spoon into Viktor’s mouth. “How’s that?”

“What is this?” He asked, not looking exactly happy with the dish.

“Rice porridge.” Yuuri explained, spooning more of it into Viktor’s mouth before he could speak. “It’s good for you and it’s easy on your digestion. You threw up everything you ate yesterday and I don’t want that again.”

“Okay.” Viktor had been thankfully more compliant today. Yuuri suspected that had more to do with the fact that it’s hard to whine at someone in the other room when you can’t speak above a whisper. “Tell me a story?”

“Viktor.” Yuuri sighed again, wondering what Viktor did when he was living alone. The thought of Yakov taking care of Viktor suddenly popped into Yuuri’s mind and it took all his self control not to laugh out loud. The funniest part was he wasn’t sure if he thought the idea of a 20-something Viktor calling Yakov to take care of him was that farfetched. Both because Viktor was clingy when sick and because Yakov, no matter what he wanted you to think, really cared about all his skaters. “I don’t really have any stories.”

“You said your mom made you this when you were sick. Were you sick a lot?”

“Not really.” Yuuri pursed his lips, trying to think of when the last time he’d been sick enough to be taken care of. “When I was 16 I was working so hard on my senior debut that I got really sick. I barely finished my free program. I collapsed after getting off the ice and was in bed for almost a week.” 

“That wasn’t a fun story.” Viktor pouted, sneezing again. 

“You asked about when I was sick, what did you expect?” Have you ever seen those videos of pandas sneezing? Yuuri was pretty sure that was a good comparison for the way Viktor sneezed. “If your not going to eat anymore you should get some rest.”

“I don’t want to.”

Yuuri checked his watch, it was almost time for their older students’ class. It was getting close to the beginning of the season and Yuuri wasn’t really confortable cancelling their sessions. “I need to go to class now. Will you be okay for a little while by yourself? I’ll refill your water and leave it here. You should get some rest.”

“Fine.” Viktor huffed, looking like a little kid when he did so and Yuuri couldn’t help rolling his eyes slightly. Then Viktor turned his face to look straight at Yuuri, his eyes big and nearly watering. Yuuri hated when he did that because it was just so damn cute. “You’ll come back soon, right?”

“Of course.” Yuuri brushed back Viktor’s bangs and kissed him lightly on the forehead. He was warm but not quite feverish. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. Promise me you’ll try and sleep?”

Viktor nodded and Yuuri smiled, leaving to get him more water before getting ready to go over to the ice rink. 

So maybe he was needy and clingy when he was sick, but Yuuri would never stop loving him. Not even a little. 

\---

When Yuuri arrived home he was greeted by silence. Normally Makkachin would come running but since Viktor fell ill, the poodle had been staying either at the end of the bed or even cuddled up next to Viktor. Yuuri had wondered if maybe the dog had been Viktor’s only companion when he got sick and so now the dog was trained to keep watch on him. 

Yuuri first drank some water himself and after a second of thought pulled out another glass for Viktor. Even if he already had a cup, Yuuri figured he might as well get water while he was in the kitchen. Hopefully Viktor had finished his last glass already and would be able to drink another now. 

“Hey Viktor.” Yuuri whispered as he entered the room, not wanting to wake his husband if he was still asleep. It seemed he was but when Yuuri approached his side of the bed he could see Viktor was red and sweating. “Viktor!” 

Yuuri put the glass down, hard, his hand flying to Viktor’s forehead. He was burning up though Yuuri was pretty sure he was still at a safe level of fever. Even so he tried to shake his husband awake, worried since he had no idea how long this fever had been going for. 

Viktor half opened his eyes, a pained expression on his face while he mumbled something.

“What was that?”

It took Yuuri a moment to realize that Viktor was speaking to him in Russian. Though it was less to him and more he was just speaking. His eyes were half open and glassy with tears. He looked vulnerable and young. 

Yuuri had begun learning some Russian but Viktor’s voice was too low, raspy, and slurred for him to make out much of what he was saying. Finally one word he was repeating became clear enough for Yuuri to hold onto. The word was familiar but he was having a hard time placing it.

“Honey, do you think you can speak up?” Yuuri asked before switching into his best Russian. “ _Can you repeat that?_ ”

When Viktor spoke again it was slower and clearer, allowing Yuuri to make out some of what he was saying. He caught the word ‘water’ and ‘hot’ before he began repeating that word again as well as saying something that almost sounded pleading. It was really hard for Yuuri to concentrate on English at the moment, let alone Russian.

Yuuri’s mind was swimming as he helped Viktor drink some more water. He seemed to be really in pain, and really out of it, and Yuuri was kicking himself for forgetting what he was pretty sure was a simple Russian word. 

Viktor was able to finish the water and Yuuri got up to get more, only to feel Viktor’s hand on his shirt. His eyes were big and his words slow and simple, their meaning clear to Yuuri.

“ _Grandma, please don’t go._ ” 

Yuuri felt like he’d been punched in the gut, both thanks to the heartbreaking look in Viktor’s eye but also because all this time he’d be calling for his Grandma.


	2. Simple Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four or Forty.  
> Purple or Blue.  
> Traditional or Modern.  
> Simple questions with simple answers lead to simple plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note that in flashbacks Yurio will be referred to with he/him/his pronouns as those would be the pronouns used before the events of the previous entry in this series.

_Around Three Years Earlier  
Viktor and Yuuri’s Apartment in Saint Petersburg, Russia_

Viktor stared at his suggestions for their guest list, feeling extremely uncomfortable with showing it to Yuuri. He knew he shouldn’t be but Yuuri had spent so much time figuring out who to invite and how many people were too many people and then… well… then there was Viktor’s list of six people. 

Of course, a lot of his friends would be written on Yuuri’s list since they’d been Yuuri’s friends first. Then there were Yuuri’s friends Viktor didn’t know well, he had a couple from his time in college who he seemed to want to invite, and also Yuuri’s family. Viktor learned that on Yuuri’s mother’s side of the family there was actually quite an extensive network of cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews. 

Viktor’s family was nothing like that. He was the only child of two only children with parents who had all died over a decade ago. 

“Are you sure it won’t be too repetitive to use the blue and purple theme.” Yuuri asked, walking into the living room with his nose almost touching the notebook in his hand and his glasses balanced on the top of his head. “Because I love the theme but we do use those colors a lot.”

“I think they’re lovely.” Viktor smiled at Yuuri as he plopped onto the couch next to him. “Blue looks so good on you and I, for one, love the color purple. And pink. And,” Viktor leaned over so his face was close to Yuuri’s, “I love the color blue.”

Yuuri turned and pecked a kiss onto Viktor’s nose, the younger man no longer phased by Viktor’s sudden affection. Well, at least not in private. 

“Okay, we’ll keep the colors then.” Yuuri smiled. “Do you think Yurio is going to come over for dinner tonight?”

“Nope, Otabek is in town to practice and you know how the two of them always try a new restaurant when they practice together.” Viktor smiled to himself, wishing he’d had a good friend like that when he was Yurio’s age.

“Oh, I forgot. So I guess we won’t be seeing him in the next few days.” Yuuri looked at Viktor, his eyelids lowering a little. “And we’ll be sure to have the apartment to ourselves.”

“Yuuri!” Viktor laughed, feigning shock at his words. The blush across his face and up to his ears was not, however, feigned. Even as Yuuri got used to Viktor’s sudden attacks of affection and closeness, Viktor had not quite gotten used to any level of flirtation from Yuuri. 

“What?” He flopped over, pushing them both down onto the couch. “Do you not want to?”

“Yuuri.” Viktor whined, still giggling. 

Yuuri kissed him, soft and unhurried, and Viktor was finally able to stop giggling. Viktor could have kissed his fiancé for days but Yuuri was the first to pull away, collapsing onto Viktor, his ear against Viktor’s chest. 

“Is that…?” Yuuri’s eyes caught the paper laying on their coffee table and before Viktor could say or do anything he’d reached over to pick it up. “Is this your guest list?”

Yuuri pushed himself off Viktor, looking over the list before looking back at Viktor. Viktor could detect the faintest hint of pity in his fiancé’s eyes and forcefully broke their eye contact, not wanting to see that look. He’d seen it before, when he was younger, and he wasn’t about to let the person he loved most in the world treat him like a kid who needed a hug and a friend. 

“Don’t forget Otabek.” Yuuri said, the pity Viktor thought he’d seen in his eyes wasn’t present in his voice. That, at the very least, was a blessing. “We have to seat him and Yurio near each other so he’ll probably have to be in the wedding party. He could be one of your groomsmen if that’s not a problem for you.”

Viktor finally looked at Yuuri, trying his best not to look like he was going to cry. He’d been stupid to think Yuuri would treat him anything like strangers would. 

“Yah, that’s fine.” He paused before adding, “I know it’s not a very long list.”

“That's not an issue.” Yuuri chewed on his lip for a moment before deciding to go ahead with the question he wanted to ask. It was also the question Viktor had been dreading even if he knew it was coming. “You didn’t– I know you don’t like to talk about it but you didn’t put your parents or any other relatives on here.”

“My parents are my only living relatives.”

“They aren’t… They won’t come?”

Viktor shook his head, his face falling before he plastered a smile onto his face. It wasn’t his obviously fake smile that most people could pick out but instead the one he’d perfected in the hopes that nobody would ask him what was wrong. Yuuri knew that smile, though. He knew it and hated that Viktor would feel the need to use it on him. 

“I really think we should have the wedding in Japan and my parents don’t travel.” They could both hear the lie in Viktor’s voice. “And they would have wanted a traditional Russian wedding but I didn’t want to make you do that.”

“So you have no family to invite?”

“No blood relatives, no… I’d like to think my rink mates are like family though, at least Yakov and Georgi.” Viktor felt like he was drowning while he searched for the right combination of words to get Yuuri to stop asking these questions. “The only family member I was all that close with was my maternal grandmother and she died when I was thirteen.” 

“I wish I could have met her.” Yuuri’s word and expression were so genuine, so soft and sad. 

“She would have loved you.” Viktor smiled, “Though she probably would have been angry at you at first. She would have hated to see me retire from skating.” His face softened. “But she would have loved you.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Yuuri put the list back down and snuggled back into Viktor’s chest. “How about we order something tonight? I don’t feel like cooking.”

“Okay.” Viktor wrapped one arm around Yuuri and used the other to card through his dark hair. “That sounds great.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news, I actually outlined this story so it will (hopefully) not be a rambling mess! I'm going to try and post every week day since the semester just started and that means I've got time. That said, I'll probably break that and like not post of Friday then post on Saturday... we'll see...
> 
> That said, there might be times when I post two chapters in a day because as I'm writing this I'm finding some of the chapters are pretty darn short and like I'd feel bad updating with a 400 word update especially if I'm not planning to update for a while.
> 
> Hopefully all goes well since in my outline there seems to be 19 chapters but that seems kind of over ambitious and insane to me.
> 
>  
> 
> As always, thank you for reading as well as leaving kudos and comments. 
> 
> If you want to follow me on tumblr you totally should! I post too much YOI stuff and also am always up for screaming together about YOI!
> 
>  [ Tumblr ](http://mismatched-ideas.tumblr.com/)


	3. And Even if I Falter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Viktor and Yuuri try and have a conversation.

Yuuri was relieved when Viktor’s fever broke. He was even more relieved when his husband was finally well enough to get out of bed without Yuuri worrying he’d tip over. Viktor didn’t seem to remember any of what happened during his fever and Yuuri was debating whether or not to ask him about it.

It wasn’t that Yuuri didn’t know Viktor was close with his grandmother, he assumed it was the maternal grandmother he’d mentioned once, but there was something about the look in Viktor’s eyes that had both broken Yuuri’s heart and also made him question how involved the woman had been in Viktor’s life. Viktor had only been thirteen when she died so Yuuri hadn’t thought much about it but maybe she was more than just one of Viktor’s grandparents.

“Coach?” Yuuri blinked, brought back to the current situation.

“Sorry, I didn’t get much sleep last night.” Yuuri smiled at the student who must have asked him a question he hadn’t heard.

“If you want to end early that’s fine.” 

Yuuri shook his head, hating that his student was so worried about him. “We’re almost done anyways. You missed enough time already.”

“Is Viktor feeling better?” 

“He’s much better, he’ll probably be back by next week. I think he’s working on your choreography now that he’s feeling better so you should be able to start practicing the new program soon.” Yuuri gave the skater a smile, trying to keep them from getting too nervous. “I know you wanted to start practicing earlier but trust me, you’re going to be fine.”

“Okay, Coach.” 

“Why don’t you run through the basics again?”

The young skater nodded and Yuuri made sure not to let his mind wander this time. 

\--- 

“How is everyone looking?” Was Viktor’s first question from where he was laying in the living room. Yuuri had set him up on the coach in a bundle of blankets and pillows before leaving. “I feel really bad about us having to cancel on them.”

“You were really sick, it wasn’t like I could leave you. I’d done that once and came back to a feverish and delirious wreck.” Yuuri sat on the ground, leaning up against the couch. “They were all fine. Madison is worried about getting started on her free skate but she looks fine.”

“I’ve almost finished.” Viktor handed Yuuri a notebook. “Do you think this is too much for her?”

Yuuri chewed on his lip, reading over Viktor’s notes. “I think for her, knocking the difficulty down initially would be better. She gets easily discouraged and she’s already so nervous.”

“Okay.” A pause. “We shouldn’t keep coddling her.”

“We’re not.” Yuuri and Viktor sometimes didn’t see eye to eye on how sensitive they should be to each skater’s individual needs. And about what those needs were. “She’s still young and needs to get more confidence.” 

“She’ll be in the senior division in two years.”

“That’s a long time, you’re being insensitive.”

“You’re being too sensitive.” Viktor snapped. Yuuri turned to look at him, surprise and hurt coloring his eyes. Viktor sighed, rubbing his face. “I’m sorry, I’m just a little tired.”

“I shouldn’t have called you insensitive.” Yuuri took Viktor’s hand, massaging it carefully. “What’s wrong?”

For a moment it looked like Viktor was going to lie, and for a moment he was going to lie. He didn’t want to talk about any of this with Yuuri, or anyone, because much like Yurio, Viktor wanted nothing more than to keep everyone at arms length. He loved Yuuri with all his being but the thought of burdening his husband with worries from a lifetime ago was the last thing Viktor wanted to do.

“Do I respond too... actively to issues?” He finally asked.

“Actively?” Yuuri tilted his head to one side, “I’m not sure I follow.”

“Yurio pointed it out.” Viktor tapped his fingers against his arm. “Something about not knowing how to emote before acting. Do I do that?”

“I guess.” Yuuri brought his lips to Viktor’s hand, kissing his palm lightly. “But I knew that about you from the beginning. And you’ve come a long way from our first year together.” Yuuri laced his fingers into Viktor’s, squeezing lightly. “We both work as hard as we can to be better people. Sometimes I still assume you know what I’m thinking and sometimes you try to fix things that can’t be fixed.”

“Do you coddle me?” Viktor asked, thinking about all the things Yurio had told him. 

“I don’t try to.” Viktor closed his eyes, focusing on Yuuri’s fingers. Yuuri let go of Viktor’s hand and slowly ran his fingers up and down Viktor’s arm, the motion soothing and familiar. “But I guess I do skirt around issues because I worry about bothering you.”

“And I let you.” Viktor sighed, opening his eyes so he could see his husband. “We’d probably be better off without so many taboo subjects.”

“I just don’t want to bring things up from the past. You’ve moved past them and that’s enough for me.”

“That’s… I guess…” Yuuri eyes turned to Viktor’s face, surprised to see his husband at such a loss for words. “That’s sweet of you but… How about you ask me whatever you want from now on? We shouldn’t have all these secrets.” 

“Okay, if you really want that.”

“I do.” Viktor smiled, lightly and a little strained. It wasn’t a fake smile, per say, but more the kind that told Yuuri that he really did want to smile but that this was also hard for him. And that was fine. Yuuri was just glad he was trying his best. That was all Viktor asked of him and so, of course, that was all Yuuri would ask of Viktor. “How about I tell you when I’m ready to talk about something then you can ask me one of your questions? That way you don’t feel like you’re bringing it up.”

“That should work.” Yuuri smiled, really wanting nothing more than to kiss his husband senseless. He hadn’t even had to point out the flaw in Viktor’s plan, Viktor had been able to piece it together himself. Well, not the flaw per say but the reason Yuuri was unsure about the plan. Only a couple of years ago Viktor would never have thought about the fact that Yuuri would never have asked him a single question under his first suggestion. 

“Okay, I’m ready now. Ask me anything.”

Yuuri hadn’t really been expecting him to say that now and so hadn’t thought much about it. Then again, there was one thing that Yuuri had always had trouble understanding.

“Why’d you change your name?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at that, updating at 10AM instead of 10PM. (It's because I have no class and am bored and putting off doing actual homework)
> 
> The next update might be two chapters since ch4 and ch5 are pretty short. Yes I could make them one chapter but then what would happen to the arbitrary format I decided to use? It'll really depend how long ch5 ends up being (since it's not done yet. It could end up being 500 words or it could end up at my normal 1K mark, who knows?)


	4. Is It Wrong to Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do italicize when people are speaking in a non-english language but I'll also use speech markers to make it clear what language and so forth. That said, this only applies to times when people wouldn't be speaking entirely in a language other than english. This won't come into play until ch6 so I'll touch on that then.

_Around Three Years Earlier  
Viktor and Yuuri’s Aparentment in Saint Petersburg, Russia_

_“It’s easy.”_ Viktor’s words were Russian and directed towards his own reflection. _“You just have to tell him. It’s your decision and he’ll be fine with it.”_

But Yuuri would think he was being silly. Or being strange. Or that he wasn’t properly thinking through any of this. He’d hate the idea.

 _“I can’t do this.”_ He groaned, turning off the sink and heading back out to the kitchen where he and Yuuri had been working on paperwork.

“Are you feeling alright?” Yuuri asked, “You look a little pale.”

“I want to talk to you about something.” He’d sealed his fate with those words, unless he could come up with a convincing lie. “It’s important.”

“Of course, what is it?” Concern spread slowly across all of Yuuri’s features. His brown eyes were colored with a concern Viktor had seen many times before. His brows were furrowed and faint creases could be seen on his forehead.

“I know you’ll probably think this is silly or strange or that I haven’t thought this through. And you’ll probably hate the idea too but I was thinking that it was a good idea.” Viktor knew he was rambling but he rarely felt so anxious and lost for words. He wasn’t used to it. “And if you really hate it it’s fine but I thought it was something that would be good for me personally–”

“Viktor.” Yuuri stopped his fiancé, his hand light against Viktor’s arm. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong… I just wanted to know how you’d feel if I took your last name after we got married.” Yuuri blinked, his face a mixture of surprised and unhappiness. “I’m sorry, it was a bad idea.”

“No… it’s not… I just–” Yuuri took a deep breath, trying to calm his mind. “Why?”

“I love you.” Viktor said, even though that wasn’t actually the answer to Yuuri’s question.

“And I know that. You don’t need to change your name for me to know that. Nikiforov is quite a nice name.”

“I know it is, but it’s not actually my last name.”

The silence between them was oppressive. Viktor tried to smile at Yuuri and Yuuri just gave Viktor a bewildered sort of look.

How was Nikiforov not his last name?

“What?” Was what Yuuri finally decided on as a response.

“Nikiforov is from my grandma. I didn’t want my parents to be bothered by media or anyone like that so I started using Nikiforov.”

“So is it the name of the grandmother you were close to?” Viktor cursed internally, wishing they’d never had that conversation. “Wouldn’t you want to keep her name?”

“No.” He shook his head. “I don’t.”

“What was her name? Your grandmother, I mean.”

“Sofia Nikiforova." He chuckled, "She was quite the piece of work. I think on the paperwork they had to fill out probably had her name listed differently but she refused to respond to Sofia Vasilieva and I'm pretty sure even my grandpa used the name Nikiforov.”

“What is your parent’s last name?” Viktor smiled, appreciating that Yuuri didn’t call it his “real last name” like others did when they found out he’d been using a different last name.

“Lebedev. David and Yana Lebedev.” Viktor paused. “We’re all very common; our names I mean.” Viktor laughed lightly, “And even so it turns out Viktor Nikiforov was already the name of a Russian Olympian. In ice hockey, ironically. Would have been funnier if he’d been a figure skater, of course, but I think that’s close enough.”

Yuuri slid off his chair to go stand next to Viktor, putting his arms around Viktor’s neck.

“If you really want to change your last name, I won’t stop you. I just want you to make sure you’re doing it because it’s what you want to do.” Yuuri kissed Viktor softly, “Okay?”

Viktor smiled and gave Yuuri another kiss. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter! Tomorrow's update will be back to the usual length. 
> 
> Also I try my best to just pick generic Russian names since I know very little about Russian, especially when it comes to names and things like that. (I do know weirdly specific things about Russian wedding and birthday traditions. Also about the Russian Mob but that's unrelated to YOI.) I hope I didn't completely fuck up with choosing names that would be common in Russia. If I did please tell me, I'm trying my hardest to do research about Russia and Russian culture so that I don't screw this stuff up too badly.
> 
> EDIT: Thanks to [ welove-gmos ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/welove_gmos/pseuds/welove-gmos) for their help with these Russian names! I think I've fixed it but feel free to correct me again. I'm a bit hopeless when it comes to learning languages - I've been studying Japanese for over 6 months and I'm pretty much still at the 100 level aka maybe kindergarten but probably not even that. Hope everyone who speaks Russian is ready for ch6 cause I have a feeling that's gonna be a shit show... want to use Russian phrases and words because it's in Russian and in Russia but then there's that whole "I don't speak the language" and "The things I know about Russian culture are random and weirdly specific" things.


	5. I Will Not Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Viktor is cute and Yuuri is reminded again that he loves his cute-ass husband so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I don't like this chapter. That said, I tried my best.

“Why’d you change your name?”

Viktor slid of the couch so he could lean his head against Yuuri’s shoulder. Yuuri instinctively ran his hand through Viktor’s hair, the other man humming slightly before speaking. 

“I didn’t need to be called Nikiforov anymore.” Viktor closed his eyes, focusing on the warmth of Yuuri’s side and on the feeling of his hands. Viktor had soft hair but Yuuri matched that softness in his hands. 

“Didn’t need it?” He let his hand fall, putting his arm around Viktor’s shoulders and leaning his head onto Viktor’s.

“I used the name because it meant something deeper to me, something loving. But I didn’t need it anymore. I had something just as loving. I had something more loving, even.” Viktor opened his eyes and tilted his head to look at Yuuri. “I had you.”

Yuuri was quiet, trying to control his breathing but finally, he gave up and let a few tears slip down his cheeks.

“Yuuri!” Viktor sat up, holding Yuuri’s face in his hands. “What’s wrong?”

“Sorry.” Yuuri whipped the tears away, “That was just really sweet.” He smiled broadly, “Somehow, I forget how sweet you can be sometimes.”

As if he could tell the conversation had turned to a lighter note, Makkachin bounded into the living room and jumped onto both of them. 

“Makkachin, you’re too old for this.” Viktor laughed, laying on top of Yuuri with Makkachin on top of them both. “And so am I.” 

“You’re talking like you’re an old man.” Yuuri laughed, reaching his arms around both of them as best as he could. “You’re only thirty-one.”

“I remember when I was young like you.” Viktor said, his voice lifted into mock distress. “Still in my prime and full of life, I thought I could take on the world. But then a mysterious stranger came into my life, enchanting me before disappearing into the night.”

“Viktor.” Yuuri whined. It had been years and Viktor refused to let him forget about the banquet. Or, he guessed, forget about forgetting the banquet. “How many times do I have to apologize?”

“And then, when I finally found that mysterious stranger again they acted like they’d never met me. What a toll that took on me, snatching away my childlike innocence in a moment.” 

“Childlike innocence my ass.” Yuuri raised an eyebrow. “I know that’s not true.”

“Oh but it is. My heart was young and childlike, my flame relit only for you to snatch the fire–”

Yuuri pulled Viktor’s face down into a kiss, silencing him.

“You’re an idiot.” Yuuri murmured as Makkachin scrambled off Viktor’s back. 

“Isn’t that why you love me?” Yuuri kissed him again, smiling against Viktor’s lips.

“Yuuri are you sure you want to do that?” Viktor asked with a smirk. “You’ll get sick.”

“I won’t get sick.” 

“How can you be sure?”

Yuuri gave Viktor a mischievous smile before flipping himself on top of Viktor, pinning his husband’s arms above his head. 

“Because I’m stronger than you.”

Yuuri leaned down, giving Viktor a deep and unhurried kiss. Viktor lifted his head a bit to lean into Yuuri’s kiss, allowing Yuuri’s tongue to press into his mouth before his eyes flicked up to look past Yuuri. After a moment more of kissing, Viktor pulled away.

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked, loosening his hold on Viktor’s wrists. 

“Yah, I was just wondering if maybe we could relocate.” 

“Why?” Yuuri’s mischievous grin returned, “It’s not like we’ve never–”

“No, it’s not that.” Viktor interjected though Yuuri swore his husband was blushing slightly. It was hard to imagine how anyone could have thought the Russian was a player. “It’s just that Makkachin doesn’t seem to want to move and I’m just a little uncomfortable with him watching us.”

Yuuri turned, craning his neck to look behind him, and sure enough, Makkachin was sitting off to the side, his tail smacking rhythmically against the floor. He seemed intent on staying next to them even if he wasn't actively trying to get their attention. 

Yuuri laughed, rolling himself off of Viktor. For a moment he laid next to his husband before standing up. He leaned over to help Viktor to his feet and kissing the taller man briefly. Then he carefully, but forcefully, swept Viktor’s legs off the floor. With one arm cradling Viktor’s torso, Yuuri easily pulled his lover into his arms.

“Yuuri!” Viktor half yelped, half laughed. He strung his arms around Yuuri’s neck, allowing himself to be carried out of the living room. 

“Makkachin, stay.” Yuuri commanded, making the dog whine in protestation. Even as he voiced his annoyance, Makkachin still stayed put. “Good boy.” 

Viktor’s lips were on Yuuri’s neck before they reached the bedroom. By the time Yuuri got the door open, Viktor had trailed his lips up to Yuuri’s ear.

“Am I a good boy.” He whispered.

Yuuri’s eyelids lowered, his smile almost smug and definitely immoral.

“I guess we’ll find out.”

\--- 

It was late when Yuuri fell asleep. An hour after that Viktor was still awake, lying awake with his mind still spinning. 

Sure he’d changed his last name as a way to move on from a past he wanted to forget about, but had he really moved on? Ignoring something didn’t really seem like it could be counted as moving on. 

Sofia Nikiforova… A name he’d rarely said himself but heard many times when he was younger.

Viktor Lebedev… Another name he’d rarely said himself but heard many times when he was younger. It wasn’t until he started competitive skating that he started using Nikiforov. He’d decided that he didn’t need the name of people who weren’t there for him, who didn’t give him the love he needed and craved. 

But when he decided to change his name, this time for good, he said it was because he didn’t need the love and comfort the memory of his grandma gave him. That’s pretty much what he’d told Yuuri too and it wasn’t completely a lie.

But was it the truth? Had he ever actually moved on from that point in his life? Viktor was pretty sure that before meeting Yuuri, he hadn’t really been happy since his grandma died. As much as he hated to admit it, he was still trying to run away. 

After Sofia died Viktor decided love had too high a cost and that it was easier to smile and wave and just go with the flow. But Yuuri changed that… Right?

Viktor had done his best to run away from anything painful even if he couldn’t run away from the things that made him sad. He’d gotten good at running and only now, in the comfort of a loving husband and the life he could really be proud of, that he decided to stop and think.

He knew he was terrified by the idea of family because he had no idea what family meant to him. He was terrified of having a family because he couldn’t be sure he knew what a family was supposed to look like. 

He’d spent so long isolating himself from his parents that Viktor wasn’t sure he’d ever really known what family looked like.

But, Viktor remembered suddenly, he did know what family looked. He’d spent enough time living with Yuuri in Hasetsu and with the Katsuki family to at least feel, for a moment, like he was part of their family. For a little bit, he felt like he was part of a real, whole family.

Viktor let out a sigh, closing his eyes and cuddling against Yuuri in the hopes that his husband would dispel the spiraling thoughts that were still edging into his mind. Even with the new self-assurance that he did, in fact, know what a normal family looked like Viktor could feel the questions that were keeping him awake pushing back into his consciousness. But if there was anything Viktor was good at, and he was good at a lot of things, it was ignoring feelings and concerns he probably shouldn’t ignore.

Even wrapped around Yuuri, Viktor found himself feeling cold that night.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay just kill me, I hate this chapter but if I’m being honest the odd numbered chapter are not super important at this point. Later they’ll have more substance (read: tooth rotting fluff) but right now they’re glorified filler. I might edit the end of this chapter completely at some point because I am not super happy with it. Like at all. It took me over a week to write this and that destroyed the buffer I had up until now. I rewrote this like 15 times.
> 
> Really the name of this chapter should be "Please Don't Make Me Write Anything More Intimate Than Cuddling and Some Chaste Kisses". [side note: I hope nobody thought there would be smut in this because if there's anything I can't for the life of me write, it's smut.] Like what is romance? I write pure ass fluff and that's about it. I still haven't figured out what it is about kissing that people-who-aren't-bored-by-kissing like so much and so my writing suffers.


	6. If I Lie to Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor turns ten, meets someone new, and hasn't yet learned how to hide how he feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, this wasn't supposed to be this long. Also, while no italics are used as is probably clear, everyone in this chapter (and most future even numbered chapters, but I'll comment on all of them if there is a change) is speaking Russian.

_Christmas Day, 1998  
Saint Petersburg, Russia_

“Happy Birthday, Vitya.” Sofia’s smile was bright and contagious as she placed a small, homemade birthday cake in front of a young boy with platinum blond hair. “Why do you look so unhappy?”

“They said this year all four of us would celebrate. They said that if my birthday was on a weekend we’d all celebrate together.”

“ _Zvyozdochka_ , you know they want to be here.” She pulled the boy close to her, “They just have trouble sometimes. They work so much because they want you to have a better life than they did.”

“Why did they have to work today?” He asked. “We could have had the party on a different day, when they weren’t working.”

Sofia Nikiforov looked down at her grandson, kissing the top of his head softly. His hair was starting to get long, already falling almost to his chin. Usually, his parents took him to get a hair cut before it got this long but apparently he’d refused haircuts the last few times they tried to make him go.

“Well, I have a surprise for you that might make up for it.”

He tilted his face up to look at her, his blue eyes sparkling. Even when he was upset, Sofia found that the boy had unending optimism.

“I know you said you didn’t like your coach.”

“She’s fine,” Viktor said quickly, feeling bad for complaining about her. He was also a little afraid that his grandmother would stop him from skating if she thought his coach was a bad person.

“I know, but you still don’t like her.”

“She doesn’t think I can do the things I can do.” Viktor pouted. Even at ten, he was already starting to show a lot of talent. There were many people who were already convinced he was some sort of genius, despite having never competed seriously. His coach was not exactly as impressed as everyone else which would be fine if she still coached him well but her annoyance at everyone’s high view of Viktor’s skills led her to often underestimated his abilities. “I can do better than she thinks.”

“I know you can, that’s why I contacted an old friend of mine who used to be a figure skater and coaches now and set up a meeting. The coaching contract with your current coach is about to end and if you like this other coach, he would love to be your new coach.” Viktor looked at his grandma with big, sparkling eyes and all Sofia could do was chuckle. “Now blow out your candles.”

 ---

The ice rink was much bigger than the one Viktor was used to. At least that’s what it felt like to him but maybe it was the sheer number of skaters there that was what made it seem that way. At Viktor’s old, well current, rink there weren't nearly this many people. Even on discounted public days it never got this crowded.

Part of Viktor wanted nothing more than to run out of the ice rink at that moment as he suddenly felt like maybe he wasn’t ready to join what seemed to be a prestigious rink. This part of him wanted to listen to his parents and just focus on his studies instead of running after this dream of making something real out of his passion.

But the other part of him loved skating more than anything else in the world. Well, maybe he loved his grandma more but it was a close race. Either way, skating meant a lot to him even though he’d only been doing it for a couple of years. Then again, when you’re ten a couple of years is a long time.

“Yakov Feltsman!” Sofia called onto the ice, loudly enough for most of the skaters to turn and look over. “Old man!”

A middle aged man looked up, his face initially surprised and a little confused. The frown set into his face made his sharp features even sharper. His thinning and graying hair made him look older than he probably was. All in all, Viktor wasn’t sure if his grandma had made a good choice.

But then the man smiled, his face softening enough to negate the naturally angry look the sharp angles of his face created.

“Sofia!” He skated to the edge of the rink, leaning over to give Sofia a quick hug. “It’s been too long.” His smile turned into a smirk and he crossed his arms, “And I’m only a year older than you.”

“True, but I don’t look like I’m pushing 65.”

Viktor wasn’t sure what to make of the skater playfully bantering with his grandma. The man had looked pretty scary at first, reminding him of when he was five and a dog had attacked him. Luckily his family cat hadn’t been as paralyzed with fear as Viktor and had come to his rescue saving the young boy even while the cat seemed to hate Viktor. Viktor was pretty sure that cat hated him its entire life, only saving him because she liked to bother him.

Disregarding cats and dogs, Viktor still thought this coach seemed pretty scary at first glance. But his grandma teased and laughed, seeming so carefree with the scary older man. And Viktor would admit that when the man smiled, he looked a little bit less intimidating.

“Yakov.” Sofia softly pushed Viktor so he was standing in front of her. “This is Viktor Lebedev, my grandson. Vitya, this is Yakov Feltsman. When I was around your age we skated together.”

“This is Yana’s son, yes?” Yakov gave him a stern look over, “I hear you have some talent in figure skating.”

Viktor found himself unable to speak or even nod, his mind blank in a way he wasn’t used to. He was an outgoing child but for whatever reason sitting in the gaze of the older man froze him solid.

“Yakov, smile a little.” Sofia chastised, “This is why you have so many wrinkles already. My Vitya is going to be better than everyone else someday. He’ll be a star, just you wait and see.”

Yakov turned his attention back to the boy, “Viktor.”

Viktor was jarred out of his fear by the sudden but surprisingly soft quality of the man’s voice.

“Yes, sir?” He asked, making the man laugh.

“Didn’t expect your grandson to be so timid, Sofia.”

“Don’t worry, he’ll warm up to you.”

Yakov chuckled, “Okay Viktor. If you’re really ready to work for it I am more than happy to coach you.”

“I’ll do whatever I need to to keep skating.”

“Okay then, you can call me Coach.”

Yakov stuck his hand over the barrier. Viktor looked bewildered, unsure what to do until he glanced at Sofia. She smiled and nodded before gesturing slightly to Yakov’s outstretched hand. Finally, Viktor reached out himself and shook the older man’s hand firmly.

When Yakov let go Viktor gave him a broad smile, starting to feel like he could be comfortable here.

“So when do we start?” He did have a competition to practice for.

\--- 

Practice had run later than expected and by the time Sofia started their drive back from practice, she knew Viktor’s parents would already be home. Viktor’s practice sessions with his new coach were hard but Sofia could tell he enjoyed them, Yakov working him hard enough to keep the young skater interested but not so hard that he would do long term damage.

Viktor’s parents were less than happy with the new, harsher workouts since they seemed to think skating was interfering with Viktor’s school work. His grades had taken a small hit when his more intense practices started but, as Sofia had pointed out, they were already so high to begin with that the boy was still the top of his class.

“Are you excited for your first competition?” Sofia asked a sleepy Viktor as she drove him home.

“I am.” He was trying his best to stay awake but seemed to be losing the battle he was having with sleep. “Will Mom and Dad come and watch?”

“They said they would, Zvyozdochka.” Sofia felt as if ice were sliding down her back but she hoped her concerned dread was unnecessary. She hoped this but didn’t believe in her own hope.

He’d fallen asleep by the time they returned home, only waking when Sofia shook him awake. Wistfully, she thought of how if hadn’t been that long ago when she could easily carry her grandson back to his bedroom. The woman she was five years ago might have been able to carry Viktor even now but she was really starting to feel her age, even if 52 had never struck her as old.

“Vitya, time to get up. You can’t sleep in the car all night.”

He hummed an affirmative reply, allowing himself to be lead down the path and to his home. It was a nice house, not too big and not too small, that told anyone who saw it that this family had money. Of course having your own home in St. Petersburg instead of a modest apartment would have spoken of wealth no matter the size.

“We’re home,” Sofia called cautiously into the home, Viktor’s parents appearing only a moment after she closed the door.

“Where have you been?” David asked sourly, “He has school tomorrow.”

“Practice went a little late and then there was traffic.” Sofia explained calmly, “We aren’t all that late.”

“Mom, Dad, will you come to my competition?” Viktor asked, too sleepy to notice the strained air between his parents and grandma. “I’m practicing really hard for it.”

“When is it?” Yana asked and Sofia’s heart sunk. If they didn’t already know when it was there was little chance they had planned to make time for it.

“Next week. On Sunday and Monday.” Sofia informed them, tightening her grip on Viktor’s hand.

“You know how busy we are with work.” Yana reminded, exasperated. “There’s no way we can take time off on such a short notice.”

“But–” Viktor began to protest, suddenly much more awake. Sofia didn’t dare look down at the boy, not wanting to see the disappointment that would probably be plainly written across his face. Viktor hadn’t learned to hide his emotions, he had no need for such a skill, and it led to him being very easy to read.

“No, Viktor. You need to ask us earlier next time.” Yana scolded.

“But I did.” He muttered, removing his hand from Sofia’s grip so he could cross his arms.

“Please speak up.” David commanded, “I can’t hear you when you mumble like that.”

“I said I did!” Viktor shouted, anger bubbling up from deep inside him. Sofia had never actually heard him raise his voice for anything other than gleeful exclamations. She was sure Yana and David were just as surprised. “I told you when I first entered that I was going to be in it and you said you’d come!”

“We do not raise our voices, Viktor.” Yana gave him a stern look, her being the first one to regain her composure. “I think you’re a little tired. Why don’t you apologize and then go to bed?”

He looked ready to shout again, his hands balled into fists, but at the last moment his eyes filled with tears and he ran from the hall towards his room. He slammed his door, locking it and throwing his bags onto the floor. He threw himself on the bed, face down, and decided he was never going to leave his room again. It wouldn’t be long before his tiredness cut off his quiet tears and he fell asleep.

Back in the hallway, all three adults looked stunned. Viktor was not an especially angry child but he also wasn’t one who was generally prone to tears. For the most part, he let his optimism rule his thoughts, making him able to pick his own mood up even when he was at his lowest.

“We’ll try to come.” Yana sighed, “At least one of us should be able to get off on a Sunday. We won’t be able to come Monday but–”

“Is this my fault?” Sofia asked, “Are you like this because of me?”

“Excuse me?” Yana blinked at her mother, unsure as to where the older woman was going.

“You never make any time for your son. He just wants to show you the thing he loves.”

“Figure skating isn’t something he loves.” David informed Sofia like it was the simplest fact in the world. "It’s something you love. He does it because he loves you and wants to please you. I think you should stop wasting his time by trying to live out the life you wanted to live.”

“If you spent even a moment paying attention to Vitya, you’d see how much skating means to him. You’d also see how much he just wants you two to approve of what he does.”

“We just don’t want him wasting his life on this. It’s not a viable future for him and it’s time he started thinking about what he wants to do. He’s a brilliant child and could do so much good.” Yana was trying her best to be diplomatic, even while her mind was reeling. Had her own mother called her selfish?

“Come watch him skate. Just come once and you’ll see how good he is. You’ll see how much he loves it.” Sofia let her head drop, “He works hard because he loves it and he just wants you two to show him that you are proud of the work he’s doing.”

“We’ll try to–” Yana started softly but Sofia was done.

“You need to do better than try.” Turning the older woman started back towards the front door. “Goodnight. I’ll be sure to bring him home on time tomorrow.”

Sofia wanted so badly to slam the front door behind her but, unlike Viktor, she was old enough to have learned to hold in her anger. She knew how to pretend she wasn’t shaking with rage. She could pretend she hadn’t been a second away from slapping them both.

“Goodnight Vitya.” She whispered to herself, comfortable behind the wheel of her car but wishing she could do something more for her grandson. “Dream well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand, there goes my buffer. I was going to wait until monday to post this but I don't have that kind of self control. I wanted to post this chapter yesterday when I finished it for god's sake. I didn't, but I wanted to. If I get it done, next chapter will be tomorrow but I may extend to Monday or Tuesday. 
> 
> zvyozdochka – little star (hopefully, I tried to find multiple sources to agree on this); I decided to go with the Romanization of the Russian mostly because I know nothing about Russian and am even less sure that what I’m writing is correct in Cyrillic than I already am writing it like this. One day I want to learn Russian but, alas, today is not that day.
> 
> Oh and I should probably mention (not sure if I already have) that I am assuming VIktor was born in 1988 (2016-28) when I give specific years. 
> 
>  
> 
> Okay but, side note: the skater/coach Yakov is supposedly based on was a pair skater back in the day and you can tear the "Yakov Was a Pair Skater" head canon out of my cold, dead hands. He 100% helped Viktor and Yuuri choreograph their gala pair skate and you can't convince me otherwise. (I was doing a lot of 'research' for this chapter which mostly means I ended up watching hours of figure skating)


	7. Cooking in Russian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Needless to say, Yuuri felt like an idiot. Sure, he’d probably been driving towards this point of being pretty damn sick long before Viktor decided to make his sassy comment about him getting Yuuri sick, but that didn’t lessen the sharp sting of irony any.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics are all Russian this chapter!

Needless to say, Yuuri felt like an idiot. Sure, he’d probably been driving towards this point of being pretty damn sick long before Viktor decided to make his sassy comment about him getting Yuuri sick, but that didn’t do anything to lessen the sharp sting of irony.

Viktor’s constant fussing and fretting wasn't helping either. Yuuri wasn’t one who liked to be fussed over when he was sick, it made him feel useless. After hours of constant attention even though Yuuri really only had a cold, he told Viktor to go ahead to the rink without him. Yuuri knew he was pretty much healthy enough to go with him but as much as he loved his husband, he could really use a break to just lounge on the couch with a cup of tea.

“Okay, I guess it is almost time,” Viktor responded when Yuuri gently encouraged him to leave. “But when I get home I’ll make you dinner.”

“Oh, really? What do you have in mind?” Yuuri asked, hoping it was something simple.

“Zharkoye.” Viktor told him with a smile. “My grandma always used to make it.”

“Oh…” Yuuri had no idea what that was and was unsure whether or not Viktor’s skill level was quite up to whatever he was planning. It wasn’t that he was bad a cooking, Yuuri just didn’t want to chance having to save them both from their apartment catching on fire. “Do you have a recipe? You’ll probably need to pick up ingredients on your way home.”

“I’ll text Yakov for a recipe.” Viktor smiled broadly, making Yuuri smile slightly in spite of his concerns. “If he doesn’t have one I can always look it up online.”

“Okay, just make sure you’re not getting in over your head.”

“Don’t worry, Yuuri.” Viktor gave him a thumbs up but somehow that didn’t put Yuuri’s mind at ease.

\--- 

“That was really great, Madison.” Viktor smiled at the young skater, a smile on his face. She was the last private lesson for today and Viktor was trying his best not to seem antsy. “I think you can up the difficulty if you’re comfortable.

“Are you sure?” She asked, skating over to Viktor.

“You’re one of the best skaters at this rink.” Viktor crossed his arms, looking at the ceiling while carefully considering his words. “You just lack confidence.”

“Oh.” Was her only response, looking unsure.

“Why do you skate?”

“Huh?”

“Why do you skate,” Viktor repeated. “There has to be a reason.”

“I’m not sure… I like it? Why do you skate?”

“You don’t have to answer immediately.” Viktor smiled, not answering Madison’s question. “But by next week I want an answer.”

“Okay…” She didn’t seem convinced but now Viktor was afraid to push it so instead changed the subject, his plan for a teaching moment completely lost. 

“Well we’re done for today. You’ve done a lot of hard work today so you should go home and get some good rest. You have three weeks until the competition. Next week will be the time to really buckle down, but for now go have a good dinner.” Madison giggled behind her hand, trying to hide her laughter but failing. Viktor put his hands on his hips and raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Sorry Coach. You just sound like such a parent when you talk like that.”

“Oh, is that how your parents talk?” Viktor gestured for Madison to follow him off the ice. “Are they always fussing?”

“Not really. More I was thinking of my friends’ parents. Avery’s mother never stops fussing over them.” Viktor could attest to that. “My parents mostly leave me to do what I want.”

“They’re coming to your competition, right?”

“Don’t know.” Madison shrugged, both of them sitting to untie their skates. “They want to but work makes it hard.”

Taking a deep, steadying breath Viktor thought carefully about what he was going to say before deciding on a cautious. “Well tell them your coach wants them to come.”

“Will do, Coach.” Madison smiled, giving Viktor a quick thumbs up.

\--- 

Yuuri was impressed. It wasn’t that he didn’t think his husband could cook, it was just that not that long ago he couldn’t. Zharkoye turned out to be some sort of stew and while Yuuri would have rathered something a little more bland, it was still delicious.

“This is great, Viktor.” Yuuri leaned over to kiss Viktor on the cheek. They were eating in the kitchen. Yuuri didn’t like eating in bed when he was sick because it made him feel even more sick. Yuuri hated feeling sick in general, it made him feel so weak. “I’m really proud.”

“Hey, I think that was an attack on my cooking!” Viktor pouted, having trouble not laughing.

Yuuri laughed too, leaving his chair to drape himself over his husband. “I would never insult you. You know I love your cooking.”

“Do you? Could’ve fooled me.”

“Oh come on, Viktor.” Yuuri thought for a moment then with a smirk spoke in Russian. “ _You know I love to eat anything from you._ ”

“Yuuri!” Viktor blushed. Even though his words had been accented and wasn’t exactly proper Russian, Viktor still got the gist of what he had said. “Where did you learn that kind of talk.”

With another laugh, Yuuri walked back to his chair and continued to eat. “I have my sources. Speaking of which, where did you end up getting this recipe?”

“Nikolai Plisetsky, actually.” Viktor explained between bites. “I texted Yurio and I guess they asked their grandfather.”

“This really is very good.” Yuuri’s smile softened an he reached across the table to grab Viktor’s hand. “Thank you.”

“It’s my pleasure. What kind of husband would I be if I didn’t take care of my love?”

They ate in silence after that, mostly sharing loving gazes and squeezing each other’s hand once in a while. It wasn’t until the began to clean up, Yuuri wouldn’t let Viktor do that on his own too, that Yuuri spoke.

“Did it hold up to your grandmother’s?”

“I think so. It’s been a long time since I had hers though so it’s hard to say.” Viktor looked wistful but not upset by the direction of the conversation. Yuuri thought that was a good start. “But it was good and it reminded me of home.”

“Were you sick much as a child?”

“When I was younger, before I really started skating. But after I started skating it happened less and less.” Yuuri handed Viktor the dish he was washing and the taller man carefully began to dry it. “Grandma would often make this the night before my competitions.”

“Did she raise you? Is that why you changed your name?” Yuuri handed him another dish, neither of them making eye contact.

“Not exactly. I lived with my parents until I was fourteen. I started using Nikiforov when I was ten, for my first official skating competition.”

“Oh…” Yuuri wasn’t sure where to go from here, feeling strange to be probing for information on his husband’s childhood. So much of Viktor’s later childhood had been spent in the spotlight and so Yuuri had a pretty good grasp on that part of his life but before that, before he was breaking records in the juniors, Yuuri knew nothing. “Why did you change it then?”

“Because Grandma was my reason for skating.” Viktor told Yuuri, realization in his voice. He’d been thinking about skating since asking Madison why she skated and had only now found himself all the way down this train of thought. “My parents always said I skated for her and, in a way, they were right. We all skate for something and for most of us it’s a someone, right Yuuri?” Yuuri nodded, a small blush across his face. “I guess without realizing it, I was skating for her.”

He hadn’t thought much about his grandma as she related to his skating before. His parents had always accused him of only skating because he wanted to please Sofia but that wasn’t exactly true. He didn’t skate to please her, he skated because he wanted to. His inspiration and what kept him going, though, was her. He couldn’t say when it started or ended but he knew for sure that she’d been his inspiration for at least six years, starting with his first competition.

“You have to skate for someone.” Yuuri murmured, mostly to himself, and passed the last dish to Viktor.

Yuuri tried to hide a yawn but Viktor caught it easily. He finished drying the dish then placed a chaste kiss onto Yuuri’s lips.

“I think it’s time for rest.”

“Okay.” Yuuri smiled and snaked his arms around Viktor’s neck, giving him a short but hard kiss. “Let’s go to bed, My Inspiration.”

Even if he meant what he said, Yuuri still lived to see Viktor’s face turn a deep shade of red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably won't be able to do a chapter a day anymore but I'll try to get them out as regularly as possible.


	8. Does It Matter That I’m Lying to You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At ten years old, Viktor is competing in his first novice level national competition and all he wants is for his family to watch him skate.

_January, 1999  
Saint Petersburg, Russia_

The crowd was small but Viktor didn’t care, seeing all these people made him vibrate with excitement. His skin felt electric and his blood was on fire, ready to prove himself to everyone. He was ready to put on a show.

The rink was multipurpose, its barrier tall enough to be used for hockey games, but today it was full of families here to see their kids skate.

But Viktor wasn’t near the rink right now, instead he was warming up with Yakov and some of the other young skaters who he coached. Viktor hadn’t learned most of their names and his mind was so clouded at this point, even if he was excited that didn’t stop him from feeling nervous too, that he barely noticed who any of the other skaters from his rink were. He was aware of two who were older than him and one around his age but that was the extent of his awareness at the moment.

“Viktor.” Yakov caught his attention, pulling the boy out of his cloudiness. “Your grandmother is in the lobby.”

“Thank you, Coach.” Viktor nodded, hurrying out to meet Sofia.

Looked around the semi-crowded lobby, Viktor found he didn’t see older woman anywhere. After a couple of minutes of waiting for her to appear, Viktor gave up waiting. He wasn’t exactly a patient person and he really wanted to continue warming up. He also really wanted to see his grandma. He wondered if she’d gone to meet his parents outside and show them the way in.

The morning after he’d yelled at his parents they sat him down and apologized for their harsh words. He’d apologized too, even if he didn’t feel like he did anything wrong but he knew that he’d be expected to say sorry, and they’d told him they would be able to come see his short program. He’d been ecstatic, excitedly telling Sofia all about their promise the next day. She’d smiled and patted Viktor’s head, hoping they wouldn’t break their promise. They’d done it before and Sofia worried what another broken promise would do to Viktor.

“Excuse me.” Viktor stopped a rink worker who’d been directing people. “I’m looking for my grandmother.” Viktor described the older woman, and the man nodded.

“I think she went in the direction of the pay phones.” The man pointed down toward the other end of the lobby, “They’re through that doorway.”

“Thank you.” Viktor flashed the man a bright smile before hurrying to the pay phone area.

He slowed when he heard his grandma’s voice, angry but quiet. He’d been planning to give her a surprise hug, but her anger gave him pause. He started to question who she could be talking to but it soon became clear to him and his heart sank.

“Don’t give me that! A promise is a promise, what don’t you get about that?” He half wished he could hear the other end of the call. “No, you don’t understand! You can pass this off to someone else and you know it.” She let out a long sigh, the anger dropping out of her voice suddenly. “Is this my fault? Are you like this because of me?” Her tone was that of someone who was broken and while Viktor had never heard it before, he decided it was his least favorite thing in the world. Nobody should sound that sad, he decided, and especially not his grandma.

He walked over and wrapped his arms around her. She started for a moment then smiled at him when she realized who it was.

“I haven’t… he’s right here though.” She said into the phone before putting a hand over the receiver. “Do you want to talk to your mom?”

Viktor nodded and Sofia handed him the phone, stepping back so he could have more room.

“Hello?” He spoke softly into the phone, knowing the one thing he’d wanted today was not going to happen even before his mom spoke.

“Hey, Vitya.” Was it his fault they were always so busy? That they could never do anything fun? “Sorry about this but a really important client asked to move our meeting and–”

“It’s fine. I understand.” It wasn’t fine and he didn’t understand but that was fine. He didn’t want his grandma to be sad anymore and maybe if he pretended to be okay then she’d be okay.

“You know we want–”

“I know. I have to go now, I need to finish warming up.”

He handed the phone back to Sofia and gave her a wide, bright smile. “I’ll see you later.”

 ---

Viktor messed up. Badly.

After they called his name and the music started he found himself unable to concentrate on his skating. He didn’t do as badly as he could have, he was still in the running for a medal, but it was bad compared to what he knew he could do.

His resignation from earlier was gone now, replaced by anger at people who were supposed to be here. How was he expected to pay attention when trying to figure out why his parents hadn’t shown up? Did they really hate figure skating so much that they didn’t want to come see him skate? Was it really so hard to take care of a kid that they had to work every day, all day?

Anger and sadness pulled equally at him and Viktor barely even registered his own low score. He didn’t register anything Yakov said, he couldn’t be sure whether he was comforting him or giving him a lecture but he stopped talking for long enough that Viktor decided he was done.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Coach.” Viktor smiled and headed towards the lobby, where his grandma was waiting. Without pausing he walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her, silent and unable to find the words to explain what he was feeling.

“It’ll be okay, Vitya.” Sofia wrapped her arms around the young skater, “I know it’s hard but it’ll be okay. You did great today.”

“I’ll do better tomorrow.” He announced, “I’ll place tomorrow.”

“You don’t need to work yourself too hard, this is your first competition.

“Don’t worry.” He pulled himself away, smiling to make himself feel better but Sofia could tell it was only an attempt at false happiness. “Tomorrow will be better.”

“Vita, you don’t have to–”

“Grandma, this is what I want to do. I’ll prove I made the right choice.” If he could place then his parents would see he’d chosen right. If he placed then they couldn’t say he wasn’t meant for figure skating. A first-time competitor getting a medal would show he was something special. They would see and they would understand and then they’d have to come watch him skate. “Watch me tomorrow.”

“Of course.” She sighed. “Of course.”

 ---

That night he didn’t speak to his parents, they weren’t home when he returned and he’d already locked himself into his room when they did.

He spent the night calculating what he needed point-wise to place tomorrow.

With his current program, he could get third with a perfect skate. If he changed the program, making it more difficult, he could more easily get third. And with a more difficult program, he had a shot at second or maybe even first, depending on his competition.

Yakov would be upset with him increasing the difficulty, especially without consulting him, but Viktor needed to get a medal. He needed proof that he wasn’t wasting his time like his parents obviously thought he was. If they really thought he was serious about skating, and that he had a shot, then they would make time to come watch him. They cared about results and so Viktor would get results.

 ---

“Excuse me.” Viktor grabbed the attention of the official where he was supposed to sign in. “I think my name was wrong yesterday.”

“Was it?” The man gave him an incredulous look. “What’s your name?”

“Yesterday I was announced at Viktor Lebedev but that’s not right.”

“One moment.” The man flipped through his sheets, “Is this your score from yesterday?”

“Yes, that’s me.”

“I’m sorry about the mix-up, what’s your name?”

 ---

“Up next is ten year old Viktor– It seems yesterday there was a mix-up up and we announced this skater as Viktor Lebedev.” Sofia scrunched her eye brows together from her place in the crowd, making eye contact with an equally confused Yakov. She didn’t remember thinking Viktor’s name had been announced wrong yesterday. She’d pretty sure she would have noticed that. “Up next is actually Viktor Nikiforov, a ten year old skater in his first major competition.”

Sofia’s frown only deepened, as did Yakov’s but the coach was no longer looking at Sofia. Instead he was watching Viktor begin his skate, graceful and so different from yesterday. His face was concentrated but there was a smile plastered across it. It wasn’t long before it became clear to both Sofia and Yakov that Viktor had decided to change his program.

Yakov was going to give this boy such a lecture when he was done.

Sofia was also going to give her grandson a lecture when he was done.

Even so, they were both prouder than they’d ever been.

 ---

He wasn’t perfect, that would have been too good to be true. If he had been perfect he still wouldn’t have had a chance at first give the first place skater was older, more expereinced, and very good at figure skating. Not to say Viktor wasn’t also very good at skating, but he’d not practiced those jumps nearly enough to preform them. He was good but, in this case, he was also lucky that he landed most of his jumps.

His short program score was too bad for him get second, even with the increased difficulty. Again, it didn’t help that the second place finisher was older and more experienced.

Both first and second place finishers were expected to qualify for the junior division next year and the second place finisher would finally be eligible for international junior competition.

Viktor didn’t much care about that though. What he cared about was that he now had proof he was good enough. He’d come in third even after his bad performance in the short program.

Yakov gave him an earful for increasing the difficulty of his jumps, saying he could have hurt himself. Viktor smiled at him and nodded, but didn’t take much of what he said to heart. His coach meant well but Viktor knew he’d made the right choice.

Sofia gave him a small lecture about asking them to change his name without talking to her. He felt a little bad about not talking to her beforehand but he knew she’d try to talk him out of it. And more importantly, he knew he’d made the right choice.

He didn’t need the last name of people who didn’t care about him. Not only would he show them that he was making the right choice but he’d also show them he could do it alone. Without them.

The whole team, along with the various family members of the skaters, went out to celebrate after. A young skater the same age as Viktor spent most of the time gushing about Viktor’s free skate. Viktor felt bad when he had to ask the other skater’s name.

It turned out his name was Georgi and Viktor felt doubly bad that he couldn’t for the life of him remember anything about the skater’s showing at the competition. He was apparently still competing in the intermediate group, having not qualified for novice this year, and Viktor knew he should have watched him skate even if he was distracted preparing for his own performance.

When Viktor returned home that night he dropped his medal, he was pretty sure it wasn’t actually made of bronze but it was obviously marked as third place, onto the dinning room table. His parents weren’t home yet and so he left it there, going to his room and falling into bed. He’d let them find it and see that he was good enough. He wouldn’t tell them though, because he wanted them to really understand how well he’d done. Ten years old and and beating kids ready to compete at the junior level?

Before drifting off to sleep Viktor thought about his next step. How would he show his parents that this was the right choice next? How would he surprise them with his skill next? Maybe he could qualify for the national level juniors? Sure he wouldn’t be old enough for the junior competition until he was 14 because of his late birthday, but he could still compete at higher national levels. Maybe he could even qualify for the senior nationals sooner than the 16 that he would be eligible internationally.

His first step would be to win first place. His second step would be prove his worth. His next step would be to show the world his skating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I'm not really sure how I finished this chapter but here we are. I have super not edited this, like even more so than previous chapters. So yah.... I should really edit....


	9. With You By My Side The Past Means Nothing At All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On their day off Viktor and Yuuri decide to go for a walk with Makkachin. They've both been doing a good deal of thinking.

It was late March by the time it started really feeling like spring. Sure, you still needed a coat if you wanted to be comfortable, and if you were the perpetually cold Yuuri then you still needed gloves and a scarf, but it was still pleasant.

Today Yuuri only wore one glove, the left one shoved into his pocket and his uncovered hand holding tightly to one of Viktor’s uncovered hands. Of course, both of Viktor’s hands were uncovered and his coat unzipped. He was wearing a scarf but it was completely decorative. Even though he always seemed warmer than Yuuri, his hands were always freezing. It seemed to be that his body wasn’t unaffected by cold but instead he was used to it. Yuuri’s hands were always the warmest of the two of them and yet he still loved to uncover his hands and let Viktor lace his cold fingers into Yuuri’s warm ones.

Makkachin also seemed unaffected by the cold, the fluffy dog more comfortable in the cold than in the heat. He trotted happily next to the couple, his leash held loosely in Viktor’s other hand.

Yuuri glanced over to Viktor, not minding the silence of their walk but worried about it. Viktor didn’t always talk when they were together, that would be tiring for both of them, but he’d been unusually quiet since around the time when Yuuri had gotten sick.

“Do you think Madison is ready?” Yuuri asked. Madison had dance today, as did all their skaters, and so the two of them had today off. Sometimes they went out like this and other times they stayed in. Occasionally they did things separately but not often.

“I think so. She just needs to keep her head during competition.”

“She’ll learn that with more experience.”

The lapsed back into silence and Yuuri decided to let Viktor think and instead was determined to observe him.

When Viktor was lost in thought he tended to pout his lips slightly and tilt his head. His eyes seemed to cloud and he’d stop smiling, instead a small frown would set itself on his lips. When his hands were free he often tapped one finger against his head or rested it onto his lips. When his hands weren’t free, like now, he would chew on the inside of his bottom lip.

Today his lip had started bleeding.

“Love.” Yuuri spoke quietly, but loud enough to catch his attention, “Your lip.”

“Hmm.” He blinked, suddenly noticing the blood on his bottom lip. “Oh, I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’ve just been thinking a lot about my grandma lately.” Yuuri gently lead him and Makkachin to sit on a bench. Viktor smiled as they sat, squeezing Yuuri’s hand gratefully. “I guess I just haven’t done that in a while. I think that I thought I’d moved on from that part of my life but… well, I think I’ve just been ignoring it.”

“Was it really that bad?”

“No, not all of it.” Viktor shook his head, a smile on his face. “I loved my grandma and she loved me. My parents loved me, I think, they just were bad at being parents. They were good at their jobs and didn’t really know what to do with a family of their own. I really think they thought they were trying and I think they thought they were doing what was best for me but… How can I ever have a family when I have no idea what a real family looks like?”

Yuuri was silent save for the small, surprised noise that escaped him. Viktor turned to look at him, a question in his eyes, and found his husband was bright red.

“What?” Viktor asked, confused by Yuuri’s red face, wide eyes, and now still hand which had been petting Makkachin.

“Do you– umm… Did you mean…” He looked down at his lap, taking his hand away from Viktor and Makkchin so that he could lay them in his lap. “What did you mean by having a family?”

“I’m not sure I follow?” Makkachin pushed his nose against Yuuri’s leg but when his Japanese dad didn’t resume his petting the dog trotted over to Viktor.

“It’s just that I, umm, in the past have– uh…” Yuuri was pulling at the fabric of his jacket, his face somehow getting redder with each word. Finally in one breath he blurted out, “When ever I bring this up you’ve always seemed so distressed and I stopped because I don’t want you to be upset and it’s not that important to me it was more of an idea I’ve been throwing around ever since Mari had Risa but it sounded a bit like you were interested now.”

Viktor blinked, his hand slowly petting Makkachin’s head. “Sorry Love but I didn’t quite catch your meaning. Interested in what?”

Yuuri wasn’t sure how he could back his way out of this. It seemed to him that Viktor had not been thinking what he thought but it also seemed like it was too late to tell him not to worry about it.

Taking a single, deep breath Yuuri collected his thoughts and forced himself to talk slowly and calmly. This was Viktor he was talking to, he didn’t have to worry about what he was saying.

“Ever since Risa was born, since I went to meet her, I’ve been really thinking about whether we should talk about… about starting a family.”

Again Viktor blinked and then his eyes widened, blush reddening his face almost as much as Yuuri’s.

“Oh.”

“Sorry.” Yuuri was picking at his cuticles and he knew he should stop but he couldn’t stop. “I must have misunderstood you.”

“No.” Viktor grabbed Yuuri’s hand and for a moment Yuuri thought his husband was trying to stop his nervous picking. But when he looked up Viktor’s face was set. His eyes looked terrified and unsure but the rest of his face was strong and his mouth was smiling. “I want to talk about this. We should talk about this. I’m not– I’m not sure but it’s important to you so it’s important to me.”

“Okay.” Yuuri smiled widely. It was an almost dopey looking smile but it was endearing and so real that it was probably Viktor’s favorite. It was the kind that spread over his whole face and made his eyes sparkle and it looked like he was going to melt from the happiness. “That’s– okay. I mean, it’s great!”

Yuuri leaned over and pecked a small kiss onto Viktor’s lips and Viktor smiled back, though he could feel anxiety running its way through his veins.

But Yuuri was happy and so he was too. “Okay.”

They could make this work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol this chapter title is so long. Why does my brain love long titles?
> 
> Next chapter is even more fluff so look out for that :D


	10. It Was Easier With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For all his charm and friendlessness, Viktor was remarkably bad at making real friendships. Everyone always liked him but if you asked any of his friends, especially from school, is they knew really anything about him other than the very basic information they’d probably not be able to come up with anything.

_March, 2001  
Saint Petersburg, Russia_

“Okay, now be good for your grandma this week,” Yana said from the passenger’s seat, turning slightly to look at her long haired son. It was over two years since he said he wanted to keep it long and now it was starting to get very long. In another year it would probably reach waist length, assuming he didn’t decide to cut it. “Make sure you get your homework done right when you get home from practice. And don’t eat too many sweets.”

“Yes, Mom,” Viktor answered, uninterested and not looking in her direction.

“Don’t work too hard at practice, you don’t want to hurt yourself.”

“Yes, Mom.” Since his birthday, Viktor had grown an inch and with his new height, he was starting to lose some of the gracefulness he’d become accustomed to. Instead of accepting that puberty would make skating harder for a few years, he’d thrown himself harder into training as if to retrain his muscles with every growth spurt.

“Okay…” The car pulled into Sofia’s driveway and Viktor opened the door, pulling his small suitcase out with him. “Viktor.”

“Yes, Mom?” He paused before closing the door, only now making eye contact with Yana.

“I love you.”

“Yep…” Viktor looked about to leave without saying anything else then thought better of it. “Love you too. See you, Dad.”

“Have a good week,” David responded just before Viktor closed his door and hurried to Sofia’s door. He pushed it open and as he took his shoes off he noticed a strange noise. Like loud clicking. And it was getting louder.

“Grandma?” Viktor called and as he did a small puff of curly brown hair came barreling out of the hallways, a small yip escaping its mouth as it ran towards Viktor.

The boy screeched, throwing his arms up and laying himself flat against the door in an attempt to get away from what he was pretty sure was a dog. Why was there a dog here and why was it coming closer to him even now?

“Get away from me,” Viktor shouted weakly at the dog, trying to push it away from him with his foot. It insisted on trying to get close to him and Viktor was on the verge of kicking it, only stopping because no matter how much he hated dogs he couldn’t bring himself to hurt something so small.

“Vitya, what’s the matter?” Sofia appeared from the same hallway, drying her hands on a dish towel. She had a floral apron on and it was partially covered in flour. At any other point Viktor would have wondered what she was cooking but now all he could think was that he wished the dog wasn’t jumping up against his leg.

“Why is there a dog here?” Viktor was close to tears, panic gripping his entire body.

“This is Knopka, she’s a poodle,” Sofia explained like it was the simplest thing in the world. “She’s really very sweet.”

“But why?” Viktor’s legs were shaking and finally, he gave in a collapsed, the dog jumping onto him.

For a moment all Viktor could think was, _“This is the end. There’s no cat to save me this time, this is where I die.”_

But instead of trying to bite him, the dog simply started licking his face excitedly. It barked, surprising Viktor enough for some tears to spill out of his eyes.

“Vitya, I’m so sorry.” Sofia came over and picked the dog off of Viktor’s lap. “I didn't realize you were this afraid of dogs. I thought you just didn’t like them.”

“It’s fine.” Viktor was still shaking, but he felt a little less afraid. Hesitantly he said, “She’s… she’s very cute. What was her name?”

“Knopka. I’m getting old and lonely.”

“You’re not old.” Viktor pouted, the adrenaline finally starting to work its way out of his system. He wasn’t sure he was ready to be near the dog while she was loose, the thought of that still caused him a little bit of panic, but he also realized that maybe forming an opinion on all dogs based on one interaction wasn’t the most adult decision. He guessed if he wanted to be treated like a grown up he’d have to give the dog a chance. “And the dog isn’t so bad, I guess.”

“I’m glad.” She didn't put her down, though, knowing Viktor needed some more time before he’d be completely used to the dog. Internally she wished she’d asked him how he felt about dogs. “Why don’t you come into the kitchen. Lunch is almost ready.”

“Okay.” Viktor picked himself off the ground, feeling a little embarrassed by his dramatic reaction. The dog was small and brown, really nothing like the scary dog who attacked him when he was younger.

Viktor guessed he could give the dog a chance.

 ---

Sofia entered the practice quietly, hoping Viktor wouldn’t notice her. Recently he’d been asking for her to not come to his practices. She couldn’t tell if this was one of those things he was doing to seem more “adult” or if he really didn’t want her to come to practice. And if he didn’t want her to come Sofia had no idea why.

“Hey, Old Man.” Sofia leaned against the barrier, next to where Yakov was watching Viktor skate.

“Sofia, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you around.”

“Viktor didn’t want me to come.” She frowned, “How’s he doing?”

“He’s doing–” Yakov glanced back then stopped, looking at Sofia’s bag. “Is that a dog?”

“It is.” She smiled sweetly, “I couldn’t very well leave my new puppy all alone. She’s very gentle, don’t worry.” She turned her attention back to the ice and Yakov let her change the subject, not really caring much about the dog. He really wasn’t surprised by anything Sofia did. “Really, how’s he doing?”

“He’s frustrated…” Yakov frowned, or frowned more than usual. “I see it a lot during puberty. Especially with athletes who have been skilled for most of their lives. They aren’t used to their body not listening to them so the extra height and the aches from growing are strange and annoying. Add that to generally moodiness and you get a very frustrated skater.”

As if on cue, Viktor’s landed his jump poorly and fell, a loud curse seeming to echo in the sparsely populated rink. Before Yakov could say anything to the young man, he was up again and throwing himself back into the portion of his free skate he was practicing.

Yakov made a face as Viktor attempted the jump again, only to fall. “Viktor, you need to be more careful. You’re too young and you’re going to hurt yourself. You need to take a break.”

Viktor looked over, anger that Sofia had never seen before flashed in his eyes and morphed his face. He opened his mouth to speak, probably to shout, when his eyes caught Sofia and he looked away.

It was hard for her to watch him so angry and frustrated, the optimism of his younger self seeming almost entirely gone at this point. She knew that this was probably a side effect of puberty and that he’d be fine once he was a bit older. But that didn’t make it any easier to watch.

Yakov shook his head then turned to one of the other skaters on the ice, a boy around Viktor’s age that Sofia recognized as having participated in a lot of the same competitions as Viktor. He wasn’t bad by any stretch of the imagination, just nothing really amazing either. Usually, when the two boys were in competition together, the darker featured Russian got upstaged by Viktor. Even so, he never showed ill-will towards the other boy. Instead, it seemed like he wanted to be friends with Viktor regardless of Viktor’s apparent inability to make friends in school or at the rink.

Or maybe it was less ability based and more purposeful.

For all his charm and friendlessness, Viktor was remarkably bad at making real friendships. Everyone always liked him but if you asked any of his friends, especially from school, is they knew really anything about him other than the very basic information they’d probably not be able to come up with anything.

“You guys, we're done for today. Georgi, get ready for the kids’ practice.” He was holding out some cones.

“What?” The youth skated over to Yakov. “But that’s tomorrow.”

“No, it was moved today.”

“But Coach, I have a date today.”

Yakov rolled his eyes, “You’re twelve, I think you’ll survive canceling one date.”

“Okay…” The young man look defeated, reaching to grab the cones.

“Yakov!” Sofia slapped him lightly on the arm, “Don’t be such a killjoy. Don’t you remember what it’s like to be young and in love?”

“Oh, I remember. And I remember what happened after.”

“Young man, go get ready for your date.” Sofia said, ignoring Yakov’s protests. “Make sure you show them a good time.”

He nodded, a cute smile on his face as he hurried off the ice.

“Sofia, I hope you’re ready to help me since I can’t really wrangle five tiny children, half of whom have never skated before.”

“Oh, I’m not going to help you.” She smiled in the direction of where Viktor was getting in some more practice before Yakov yelled at him to stop. “I had someone else in mind.”

 ---

It wasn’t that Viktor didn’t like kids, on the contrary he thought they were very cute, it was just that he had no clue what to do with them.

The class was for three to six year olds and happened once a month. It was usually for kids who wanted to try out skating or who’s parents wanted their kids to skate. Today’s class had one three year old, two five year olds, and two six year olds. Somehow, _somehow_ , Viktor ended up helping a small red-headed girl who was only three years old. She wasn’t new, though, as Yakov and she had a friendly conversation when she first showed up. Viktor honestly couldn’t remember her name though.

“Just make sure she doesn’t hurt herself.” Yakov told Viktor as he began working with the five year olds. The six year olds were busy skating semi-gracefully around the cones Georgi put out before leaving for his date. “She can be a bit precocious.”

Viktor wasn’t sure he’d been properly prepared for the small redhead. Precocious was an understatement. She was an aggressive ball of energy who could get away from Viktor during the time it took him to blink.

By the end of the session Viktor was tired, almost as much so as after a regular practice, and ready to sleep for the next year. For some reason, though, the girl had taken a liking to Viktor.

“Will you be here next month?” She asked while he helped her untie the lashes on her skates.

“Probably not. I’m filling in for Georgi this month.”

“Do you like skating?”

“Yah.” He responded, handing the girl her shoes and sitting next to her so he could start to take his own skates off.

“Then why don’t you smile?”

“It’s hard.” He explained. “I’m not doing well.”

“Oh…” She frowned at him. “You’re stupid.”

“What?” Viktor was taken aback, not expecting such forwardness.

“I’d smile all the time if I got to skate everyday.”

“Well it’s not always as easy as your practices.” Viktor crossed his arms, leaving his skates untied but still on his feet. “It only gets harder and harder.” The girl shrugged, obviously not believing Viktor. “What?”

“You complain a lot.” She hopped off the bench. “I don’t like people who complain a lot.”

Viktor was left staring at her, unsure what exactly he was supposed to do or say until Sofia reappeared and told him to get ready to go home.

 ---

He couldn’t believe how soft she was. He’d cautiously knelt down next to where Knopka was laying and tried petting her. She immediately flopped onto her side and for a moment Viktor didn’t know what to do. The dog gave him a sort of annoyed look and he reached out again, petting her stomach cautiously.

That seemed to do the trick and she settled herself into a more comfortable position, letting Viktor rub the soft skin of her stomach.

The girl, Yakov had definitely called her Mila, had struck a chord in Viktor’s head. He’d never thought about what he looked like when he skated, or at least not when it was only practice. Sometimes, most times, he forgot other people could even see him at practice.

Was he happy skating?

No, he guessed he wasn’t. Nothing was going right and he didn’t know how to fix the fact that everything was wrong. He hadn’t really been happy with his skating since before his first growth spurt.

But, he knew, the growth spurts would end. He’d be tall and more muscular. He’d be able to be even better. That’s what he told himself, at least.

And even if he wasn’t happy, happiness wasn’t what inspired his skating. He’d keep skating until his inspiration was gone. He was sure that wouldn’t be for a long time.

He was sure one day he’d be happy too.

When Sofia found him, he’d fallen asleep on the floor next to Knopka. The dog had made herself comfortable curled against Viktor stomach. He had one hand under his head and another protectively over the dog and Sofia could only smile, deciding to let him nap for a little longer. He was just so cute and he’d gotten so comfortable with the small dog over only a week.

Her grandson was good at doing new things. Her grandson was wonderful. Her grandson was her Zvyozdochka.

And Sofia loved her grandson to the moon and back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol I think Knopka means button? That's what it's supposed to be.
> 
> I'm so tired writing this jesus. This was pretty rushed and I sort of lost the plot. This was mostly supposed to be a breather with mostly fluff but then I didn't do that. Also this was planned to be a short chapter. Oops. 
> 
> There won't be another chapter for a couple of days. I'm going to Washington DC, USA this weekend so I won't even have my computer for the next like two and a half days. Then I'll have a shit ton of homework to get done :P
> 
> I'm super tired right now so like this is all I've got. And I have to drive like three and half hours tomorrow in an unfamiliar car yay! So I'm gonna sleep now, hope everyone has a good day/night!


	11. It’s Been Too Long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor didn’t dislike kids. On the other hand, he found the quite cute. It was just that he had no clue whether he was prepared to take care of them. Or how you raise a child. 
> 
> He also had no idea who to ask for help.

Viktor had no clue what he was supposed to do. He was walking back and forth along the plant aisles of Home Depot, his mind turning over his choices.

He and Yuuri were bad at talking sometimes. They were especially bad at talking when neither of them knew what to say and as things stood now, neither of them knew what to say.

Viktor hadn’t been lying when he said he wanted to talk about it. He also hadn’t been lying when he said he wasn’t sure.

Viktor didn’t dislike kids. On the other hand, he found them quite cute. It was just that he had no clue whether he was prepared to take care of them. Or how you raise a child.

He also had no idea who to ask for help.

Almost none of his and Yuuri’s friends had kids, though some of them had siblings so maybe that would be enough? Viktor didn’t have family to call and ask and as much as he felt like he was part of the Katsuki family, he couldn’t really call them to say, ‘Yuuri wants kids but I have no idea if that’s a good idea.’ Firstly he was pretty sure Hiroko would have a heart attack after hearing that Yuuri wanted kids. Viktor still hadn’t met Risa but he was sure Hiroko, and Toshiya for that matter, were loving having a baby to play with. Secondly, though, it hardly seemed right for him to bring up something so personal with Yuuri’s family. He should be the one to tell them, no matter what they decided.

Not far from Yuuri’s family were the Nishigori’s. They had kids but much like Yuuri’s family, Viktor didn’t feel all that comfortable asking them. They were Yuuri’s childhood friends and it wouldn’t be that different than Viktor calling up the Katsuki’s and asking them.

Chris was an only child and had no children, though Viktor didn’t think that would last long. Mila and Yurio were both too young to ask, though Mila does have a younger brother so maybe she’d have some insight. Georgi would be zero help, he was too romantic to be of much help. Yakov loved kids, even if he wouldn’t admit it, but Viktor wasn’t sure he could really ask him. Unless you counted his students, and to be fair he did act like a father to most of his students, he had never had kids. Viktor didn’t really know Lilia but he guessed she’d be about as much help as Yakov. Maybe he could ask Yurio for Nikolai’s contact information? He’d basically raised Yurio from what Viktor knew so maybe he’d be able to advise Viktor.

If his grandma were alive, she’d know what to do.

Viktor cursed to himself, putting a couple of tiny cacti into his cart and moving on.

He was so close to calling the home phone number that was burned into his memory. He didn’t even know if his parents still lived in that same St. Petersburg townhouse but he had a feeling they still did. He thought about calling them. He didn’t know what he’d say. You couldn’t really call you estranged family and say, ‘Hey so I know I cut off contact with you over a decade ago but I was wondering if you could give me pointers on how to not be like you were as a parent?’

He groaned, the family close to his giving a sidelong glance before their mother ushered the children away from what she assumed was a crazy person. Viktor didn’t even notice, instead pushing his cart towards the checkout before he bought any more plants.

\--- 

The phone rang only a couple of times before Phichit was pulled out of sleep and he was able to grab his phone.

“สวัสดีครับปรัศนี”

“Sorry, Phichit.” Yuuri hadn’t even thought about the twelve hour time difference when he called Phichit, his mind not completely thinking through what he was doing. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Hearing the stressed tone of Yuuri’s voice woke the Thai skater quickly. Even after all these years, he was programmed to respond to this tone. Yuuri rarely woke Phichit up when he was upset, not wanting to be a bother, so when he did Phichit was always ready to help.

“What’s wrong?”

“What? Nothing… Sorry…” Phichit waited, giving Yuuri time to collect his thoughts. “I think I fucked up.”

“Why?”

“I misinterpreted something Viktor said and brought up the kids question.” Phichit was the only one Yuuri had told about wanting kids. He was also the only one Yuuri had really confessed his concerns to. Sure, he’d told Yurio some of what he was worried about but even then Yuuri always felt like he was talking behind Viktor’s back. When it was Phichit, it seemed to count less in that way. Phichit was his best friend and telling your best friend secrets didn’t count.

“What did he say?”

“He said we can talk about it. That he wants to talk about it.”

“And have you?”

Yuuri was silent for a couple of beats. “No.”

“Yuuri.” Phichit complained, “You can’t just ignore this.”

“I’m not! It’s just… he didn’t sound very into it and I’m worried he might say yes because he thinks I want kids.”

“You don’t give that man enough credit,” Phichit commented, deciding Yuuri didn’t need him to coddle him right now. “He’s a big boy who can make his own decisions. And if you two have a real conversation you’ll know if he actually wants this or not.”

“But Phichit, what if–”

“What’s the worst that can happen? Are you afraid he’s going to leave you.” Yuuri sniffled on the other end of the call and Phichit pulled back, softening his voice. “Yuuri, I know you’re worried and I know you don’t really think he’s going to hate you or leave you. But I know that’s not going to stop you from thinking that so just remember that Viktor loves you. He has been in love with you for years. You seduced him then never called him for months and he still went to Japan to find you. You wanting to talk about kids isn’t going to make him leave. Okay?”

“Okay,” Yuuri responded weakly. Phichit was one of the few people who’s reassurances could really get through Yuuri’s cloud of self-doubt and anxiety. The anxiety was still there, but there were a couple people in Yuuri’s life who’s words did a better job of allowing him to see through the fog in his mind.

“You’ll talk to him, right?”

“Yah, okay.”

“Yuuri.” Phichit’s voice held a warning.

“I will.”

“Okay, good. And make sure you tell all this to Viktor too, you know he wants to help you when you feel like this.”

“I know. Thanks, Phichit, I’ll let you go back to sleep now.”

“You know I don’t mind when you wake me up.” Phichit smiled because he really didn’t mind. Yuuri was his best friend and he’d do anything for him. “Go talk to that stupid, idiot of a husband you have.”

Yuuri laughed, “Okay, Phichit. Love you, bye.”

Phichit had been the one to start saying ‘love you’ to Yuuri and at first, Yuuri felt a little self-conscious about it, there were very few people he said that to, but eventually, he got used to it.

“Love you too.”

Yuuri sighed and put his phone down. As he did he heard the door open and close, signaling Viktor’s return from his walk.

“Hey, Viktor,” Yuuri said as he walked out of the bedroom, smiling when he saw Viktor was carrying a couple of small plants. They both had a soft spot for plants, especially miniature ones, but Viktor really loved them.

“Hi, Yuuri.” He put the plants down and kissed Yuuri on the cheek. “I wanted to ask you something.”

“What is it?” Yuuri felt anxiety running through his veins but tried to ignore it.

“I want to take a trip back to St. Petersburg soon. Is that alright?”

Yuuri felt his heart sink but he tried to keep the smile on his face. Viktor really didn’t want kids. He was really going to leave him.

“Well, it isn’t really skating season so I should be able to take care of the lessons by myself.” He was playing with the hem of his shirt nervously. “I don’t know how long you’ll be gone but–”

“Yuuri?” Viktor came close to him and tilted his husband’s face up, the tears in Yuuri’s eyes surprising him. “What’s wrong? What are you talking about, staying here? Did I do something?”

“What?”

“I wanted us both to go to Russia… but if you don’t want to that’s fine.”

“No!” Yuuri felt relief flood his veins, feeling stupid for assuming Viktor’s intentions. “I do… Sorry.” He buried his face into Viktor's shoulder, hugging him tightly. “I was so worried you were upset with me and wanted to leave and I knew it was stupid then you said that and I got scared.”

“I’m sorry.” Viktor rubbed Yuuri’s back softly, feeling like an idiot. How could he have not realized his wording might be confusing? “I didn’t mean to do that.”

“We're kind of idiots, aren’t we?” Yuuri asked with a laugh, even as tears spilled onto Viktor’s shirt.

“Kind of.” Viktor sighed, laughing too. “Do you think Phichit would like to house sit and fill in at the rink?”

“I think he’d love that.” Yuuri laughed again. Phichit would be glad to know that while the conversation hadn’t happened yet, there would definitely be time. “Viktor I love you.”

Viktor smiled, leaning deeper into Yuuri’s hug. “I love you too Yuuri.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> สวัสดีครับปรัศนี (sà-wàt-dee kráp) – hello? (male; polite)
> 
> Okay, yah, this is my best attempt at understanding a language I know even less than Russian. My best understanding from the research I’ve been doing for this one damn sentence tells me this is a common answering of the phone for males (polite form?) and also that the “ปรัศนี” makes it a question???? I don’t know and I’m sorry if this is super wrong. 
> 
> Okay next chapter won't be until next week but I was able to bang this one out today. The ending might be updated though because I'm running out of time and wasn't sure how exactly I wanted to end the chapter.
> 
> EDIT: The lovely commenter berkie pointed out I'd completely forgotten about the Nishigori family when writing this. This is why you don't write tired and/or when you're in a rush. I made a small edit to Viktor's thoughts on their friends who do or do not have children.


	12. But Now You’re Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's funny how snow is like frozen rain and yet, when it snows it never feels like it's raining. And that thought, about winter rain, was what lead Viktor to decide he didn't like snow very much. It wasn't as poetic a type of weather as the day deserved. If it was March or April this day would be complete, rain being something he thought it needed.

_January, 2002  
Saint Petersburg, Russia_

Viktor didn’t remember much about the days of mourning. He remembered snippets of the funeral, his mind barely able to understand what he was expected to do with the dirt he'd been directed to hold. How was he supposed to know he dropped it into the hole they all stood around? He'd never been to a funeral before and now he could barely hear the words being said around him.

He remember the vague words of sorrow and comfort from strangers and family and friends. He knew his rink mates came at some point and even some of the kids from his school and he knew they apologized or even hugged him. He didn’t hug a single one of them back because he didn’t want their help. He didn’t want them to be here. He didn’t want to be here.

Yakov came at some point and another woman stood next to him who he was vaguely aware said something about knowing his grandmother. Her heavy makeup and careful eye dabbing were distracting to Viktor but even that didn’t hold his attention for long.

So many people came and went, so many that Viktor couldn’t understand how this had happened. Someone should have known something was wrong. Someone should have noticed she was not okay.

She should have said something.

Viktor wanted to be angry or sad or anything but instead he felt very little. He thought he might even feel nothing.

Throughout the burial, all he found himself thinking was, _“How do they dig such a big hole when the ground is frozen?”_

His mind couldn’t grasp the words that anyone said and it couldn’t really process the things happening around him. At some point he found himself mostly alone at the grave, the coffin lowered into the ground but not covered with dirt quite yet. They probably waited until everyone left before starting the job.

His parents were behind him, Yana’s eyes red but now dry. She’d cried a lot even if Viktor never really noticed it, too wrapped up in his own mind for the past few days.

“Viktor, we need to go home.” She said, gently grabbing his arm and trying to pull him away. When he didn’t move she tried to pull harder but he was strong, too strong to be pulled by Yana. “Viktor, please.”

He didn’t register any of his words, the sound flowing over him without ever touching his mind. He noticed pressure on his arm but he refused to move and soon it disappeared. He didn’t know how long he stood there but he was aware that it had started snowing.

“Vitya.” The nickname was the first thing to cut through the fog in Viktor’s mind. He knew the voice was wrong, it wasn’t his grandma, but it still pulled him back. “You need to go home. She wouldn’t want this.”

Yakov had his hand on the boy’s shoulder and for a long time, Viktor just stared at the hand.

“Your parents are worried about you.” He continued. “Your tired and in shock. Staying here and catching a cold isn’t going to change anything.”

Viktor still didn’t respond and Yakov sighed, drained by his loss but knowing that if there was anything he needed to do now it was to try to take Sofia’s place. He couldn’t be Viktor’s grandma, he couldn't be Sofia, but he could do some of what she did for Viktor.

“Vitya.” The softness of his voice was mostly gone now, replaced by commanding concern. “Sofia’s grandson wouldn’t act like this.”

“Shut up.” Viktor’s words had so little force behind them that Yakov wasn’t sure he’d even spoken.

“Vit–”

“Since when did you start calling me that?” Viktor turned to look at Yakov, anger flashing in his eyes. “I didn’t ask you to help me! If you wanted to help me you would have noticed– Someone should have noticed. She should have noticed.” With each sentence, Viktor deflated, his tired body not able to maintain the anger he wanted to feel.

“You’re right, someone should have noticed but they didn’t. That’s over now and she’s gone but you’re still here.”

Lost for words and with his mind pulling itself apart as one half wanted to be angry and the other half wanted to sink down into nothingness Viktor did the only thing he could think to. Without a word or noise, he threw his arms around Yakov’s neck, hugging the older man tightly. His silent plea for the help he couldn’t ask for was written in the motion and Yakov knew. He’d seen it before, Viktor hugging Sofia when he needed help that he didn’t know how to ask for.

“It’ll be okay. It really will be. She would want you to keep living and skating and having fun.”

“I’ll be the best figure skater in the entire world,” Viktor whispered into Yakov’s shoulder, though the words were more for himself and for Sofia if she was somehow able to hear them. Viktor didn’t think he believed in god or heaven but if those things did exist, they had to have television there. If heaven was real then Sofia would be able to watch him skate as long as he kept winning. All he had to do was keep winning.

 ---

After another long day of practice, Viktor just wanted to go lay in bed and cuddle with Knopka. The dog had started staying in his home since Sofia’s death, mostly spending her time in Viktor’s room. His parents seemed to give little notice to the dog, as they hired someone else to take care of her so they wouldn’t have to.

“Knopka!” Viktor called into the room as he pulled his coat and shoes off. When the sound of nails on hardwood didn’t greet his voice, Viktor made his way slowly into the house. “Knopka?”

There was still no response and Viktor’s search became more and more frantic. The poodle was nowhere to be found and by the time his parents got home, he was sitting on the couch in tears.

“Viktor, what’s the matter?” Worry creased Yana’s face, stress weighing heavily on her body. “Baby, what happened?”

“Knopka is gone.” Viktor hiccupped, trying to get himself under control. “I don’t know where she went.”

“Knopka…?” Yana and David exchanged a look. “I thought you hated dogs?”

“I love Knopka.” Viktor gave them a confused looked. “She sleeps in my room every night.”

“Oh.” Yana looked at David, begging him to speak.

“We thought you hated dogs.” David took the hint. “We put Knopka in a shelter.”

“You… What?”

“Baby, you’ve been afraid of dogs for years.” Yana offered, her voice strained, “You never said anything about that changing so how could we know?”

“Maybe if you paid any attention to me then you would have known!” Viktor hated being angry. He hated yelling. But every time he talked to his parents he became acutely aware of how much they didn’t even notice his existence. Why become parents if they both cared so little about their kid? He was always so angry when he talked to them and it seemed like everything they did was meant to upset him.

“Viktor, you know we pay attention to you.” Yana ran a hand through her short, blonde hair. “The last two weeks have been hard for all of us and I’m sorry if you don’t feel like we aren’t giving you the attention you need but we’re all tired and upset.”

“Whatever,” Viktor responded briskly, hiking his bag up onto his shoulder before he turned and retreated to his bedroom. He locked the door and fell onto his bed fully clothed, crying into his pillow.

Why was he crying over a dog? He’d not shed a single tear over his grandma and now this pet, who wasn’t even his, was gone and he couldn’t handle his own emotions. What kind of person cries about a lost pet but not a dead relative?

And how could he be so shitty to his mom? Her mother just died and Viktor was acting like a child. If he was going to keep skating he knew he shouldn’t antagonize his parents. And he wanted to keep skating. He _had_ to keep skating.

Skating was all he had left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this chapter took me longer to write than it should have. 
> 
> I've got a bunch of homework, club activities, and then I got sick again this weekend while in DC. Also I'm so tired from the weekend... Well I'm gonna stop complaining now. 
> 
> This chapter didn't come out exactly how I wanted but I had to make changes to fit both time constraints and cultural constraints. There isn't as much information on Russian funeral traditions as I would have liked and what I did find was so vague I didn't feel comfortable trying to write about them so instead I mostly glossed over the actual wake/viewing and funeral and whatnot. 
> 
> On a side note: what I found says b/c they follow orthodox tradition in Russia they have the stipulation of having to bury bodies. Is that true in Russia? What do they do in winter when the ground is frozen? It's been bothering me for days. Like obviously now they have like tech that can dig through frozen ground but what about in the past? And it's probably still hard, right? Okay I'll shut up now...
> 
> Not sure when the next chapter will be out (depends how much I decide to procrastinate).


	13. And I’ve Forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor and Yuuri arrive in Russia and Viktor has to decide what he's doing with his life and with his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this is confusing sorry but in this chapter there is a lot of Russian spoken because they are in Russia so from this point on in the odd numbers I will tell you when languages are switched. Like in the second paragraph I say that Viktor and Yurio are speaking in Russian and that won’t change until later. I’ll be sure to mark a language change anytime it happens but if there is a small language change mid-sentence (ie Viktor or Yuuri calls the other a cute name in Russian or Japanese) it’ll be italicized. If this is super confusing just tell me. Originally I was keeping the italicize anything non-English rule I made but that was a mess.

Mila and Yurio met them at the airport. Yurio, of course, acted like they weren't happy to see Viktor and Yuuri even though everyone knew that wasn’t true. Mila gave them both hugs, which almost broke their backs, before stringing an arm around Yuuri’s shoulders and began chatting with him in simple Russian. She’d been the one to help him the most with his Russian, Viktor was sort of a terrible teacher, but it had been a long time since they’d seen each other in person.

Yurio and Viktor lagged behind them before Yurio glared at Viktor. As the two of them spoke, they slipped into quiet and fast Russian.

“What the hell is going on, old man?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“This was a really sudden trip and I want to know why.”

“I think you’re reading too much into this, Yurio”

“I think not.” Yurio folded their arms over their chest. “If it was nothing then why did Phichit message me to ask me to keep an eye on Yuuri while you two were here?”

“He didn’t.” Viktor gapped at Yurio. Viktor really couldn’t believe how nosy Phichit was. But even as he thought that he knew it wasn’t a bad thing. Phichit acted nosy because he really cared about Yuuri.

“More accurately he said to ‘make sure those two don’t leave without talking to each other’. I don’t know what that means but I do know it means something is up.”

“It’s really no big deal.” Viktor refused to make eye contact with the other Russian no matter how much Yurio attempted to force him to. “Yuuri and I need– We want to have a conversation. That's all there is to it. We came on this trip because I asked Yuuri to. I need to do some thinking and there’s some talking I want to do too.”

“Talking? With who?”

“Probably Yakov.” Viktor shrugged, trying to be noncommittal. In truth, he did want to talk to Yakov since he was the closest thing to a parent other than Yuuri’s parents, who were just about the sweetest couple in the world but were still Yuuri’s parents. Yakov hadn’t raised him per say, but he’d definitely had a hand in helping him grow up, especially after Sofia died and even more so after Viktor moved out of his parent’s home. Viktor could distinctly remember one time, right after he’d moved out, that Yakov had come to take care of him after he fell ill. He remembered that when he was at his lowest points, Yakov always appeared to help even if he did so poorly.

“What, do you want to learn how to actually coach?” The blond teased with a small smile which quickly dropped. “Really, Viktor, what’s going on? You look terrible. You’ve barely smiled since getting off the plane.”

“Really?” Viktor touched his lips lightly as if that would give him the information he was looking for. “I hadn’t even noticed.” He tried to be convincing when he smiled at Yurio. “Oh yah, for your birthday Yuuri and I couldn’t figure out what to get you so we want to take you shopping. Yuuri said you might want to get some new clothes or something and that it would be easier to just take you with us.”

Yurio seemed irritated by the change of topic but let it drop. “I guess I wouldn’t mind shopping with Katsudon.”

“What about me?” Viktor opened his mouth, his look of offense making Yurio laugh.

“Shopping with you is annoying. You and Mila can shop or something, just leave me out of it.”

Their bickering was almost uninterrupted for the duration of their trip. They only stopped when they arrived at Viktor and Yuuri’s hotel.

“We’re going to get some rest. Viktor told the other two Russian, still sticking to their native tongue. “We’ll give you a call later, okay?”

The other two nodded and bit their goodbyes before Yuuri and Viktor stumbled sleepily to their room, both of them jet lagged and ready to sleep. Yuuri was, of course, the first to fall asleep but Viktor didn’t follow that much later.

 ---

Hand in hand, Viktor lead Yuuri through the less dangerous parts of Saint Petersburg. To be fair, the city had gotten a lot safer in the last few years but it was still more dangerous than New York City or Detroit and even more dangerous than anywhere in Japan. Viktor wasn’t all that nervous to be there himself, he’d grown up there and knew how to stay safe, but he always worried about Yuuri. Then again Yuuri had lived in the city for a few years too, so Viktor shouldn’t worry too much about his husband.

“Where should we go?” They were back to using English, the two of them used to using it when they were alone together. “Do you want to shop?” Viktor asked, smiling brightly at Yuuri who couldn’t help but smile back. “Or do you want to see the sights?”

“Viktor, I did lived here with you. I’ve seen most of the sights. Why don’t we find somewhere quiet to sit? I just want to spend time with you.”

“When did you become such an old man?” Viktor asked with a fake pout even as he lead Yuuri towards a nice park nearby.

“If I’m an old man then what does that make you?” Yuuri pulled himself closer to Viktor. It was early April and still cold enough that Yuuri would almost rather stay inside and cuddle with Viktor under a pile of blankets. After living in St. Petersburg Yuuri was convinced it was never warm in Russia but Viktor assured him that was just because Yuuri was accustomed to a milder climate.

“We can both be old men.” Viktor wasn't cold but he sure did like how much warmer his side was when Yuuri snuggled close to him. “We’ll grow old together and just be two cute old men who feed the bird in the park and kiss each other on the cheek.”

“That sounds lovely, Viktor.” Yuuri really wanted nothing more right now than to pin Viktor against a wall and show him how young they both still were. “You’re such a hopeless romantic.”

“I didn’t use to be." Viktor started off on his favorite tangent, "It wasn’t until you came along and swept me off my feet.”

“Are you ever going to stop bringing that up?” Yuuri groaned. “You’re not, are you? Can I remind you how many times you’ve gotten drunk and been an idiot?”

“I didn’t seduce anyone while I was drunk and then disappear into the night,” Viktor responded, dramatically looking towards the horizon.

“How did you ever get me to agree to marry you?”

“Excuse me, if I remember correctly you were the first one to propose to me.”

“I guess you win this round then.”

Viktor paused, realizing he’d brought Yuuri to his old neighborhood. This was where he’d grown up and the park they were standing in front of was one he’d gone to a lot when he was young. If he remembered correctly they weren’t far from his parent’s house or his grandma.

“Yuuri, there’s somewhere I want to go.” Viktor’s voice was small and quiet, catching Yuuri off guard.

“Sure, where do you want to go?” Viktor started to lead Yuuri to their new destination and he found himself unable to ask where they were going. Before he worked up the nerve to ask what was wrong, they’d arrived and Yuuri saw they were outside a small graveyard.

A small noise escaped Yuuri’s mouth accidentally, “Oh.”

 ---

Viktor kneeled by the grave while Yuuri stood behind him, not wanting to intrude. Instead, he watched as Viktor looked long and hard at the grave in front of him. When he spoke, it was in Russian and Yuuri himself could only catch bits and pieces of it but that was mostly because it wasn’t being spoken for Yuuri.

“Grandma, I’m sorry I took so long to come see you again. I haven’t seen you in over a decade and there’s no excuse for that. I’m sure you’ve been watching, though. I won a bunch of gold medals for you… But they didn’t make me happy and I wish you’d been around to tell me that. I bet you would have told me that. Mom tried to tell me that at one point but it was too late, I didn’t want to hear what she had to say.” Viktor took a deep breath, memories of his parents settling uncomfortably in his mind. “But it’s okay because I found someone who taught me how to live and love. I’m sorry for retiring but Yuuri needed me to help bring out the best in him. I was already good but he could be better if he just had someone to bring it out. I think you’d like Yuuri. You probably know he’s my husband and I bet you saw the way I kissed him so dramatically on TV. You might not know this but before that skate, I’d really screwed things up with him but we worked it out. We’re married now… did I already say that? Well, he’s the love of my life and I’m so happy to be married to him. You would have loved the ceremony too, it was beautiful. We live in New York City now and are skate coaches. He won a bunch of gold medals too. Yuuri is amazing, you would have loved to watch him skate.”

Viktor felt drained but also happy, letting all his thoughts spill out into the silent and cold afternoon felt good. Even if he didn’t believe in heaven he could pretend Sofia heard this all.

“I wish you were here right now, for a lot of reasons. Yuuri brought it up first because he’s braver than me, even if it was just because he thought I’d brought it up first. He’s still braver than me. He wants to talk about kids. Think of that grandma, me as a father. I don’t think I’m ready though.” Tears dripped quietly down Viktor’s cheeks without him noticing. “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. I’m terrified of screwing them up like mom and dad did with me. I know they weren’t the worst at all but I still don’t want to be them. And I don’t think I can not be them.” The tears came down harder now. “I wish you were here to tell me what to do… I wish–”

Viktor turned and gestured for Yuuri to kneel next to him, which he did. He really wanted to wipe away Viktor’s tears and give him a long, hard kiss stop his sadness but that was irrational.

“This is Yuuri.” Viktor switched to English, most likely for Yuuri’s benefit. “I took his last name when we got married because he loves me so much and because I know you wanted me to stop using the crutch of your last name. We’re really very happy and I wish you were here to see us.”

“Hello,” Yuuri said softly, surprising Viktor. “Like he said, I’m Yuuri. Your grandson is one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met and I love him very much. I wish I could meet you because you mean so much to him. Thank you for helping to shape him into who he is today.” Yuuri bowed his head and then turned to look at Viktor.

Viktor had, for a moment, stopped crying but the moment Yuuri looked up at him he lost himself again, crying before he threw himself into Yuuri’s open arms.

“Shh.” Yuuri cooed. “Everything’s fine. I love you and so did she.”

“I know…” Viktor whispered into Yuuri’s chest. “I know.”

 ---

Viktor’s head leaned into Yuuri’s chest while his husband hugged him close. The hotel room was dark, they’d both been planning on sleeping, and quiet except for the background noise of the building. Yuuri rubbed circles into Viktor’s back while the older man snuggled closer to his chest.

They’d gotten dinner before returning to their room, Yuuri had called Yurio to tell them that he and Viktor were still tired and would catch up with everyone a different day, and had almost immediately fallen into bed.

“Viktor?” Yuuri finally broke their silence. If they weren’t going to sleep, he might as well make sure Viktor was going to be okay.

“Yah?” His voice was muffled but still easy enough to hear.

“What did you tell her? I only caught some of it.”

“I told her about you,” Viktor explained. “And I told her that we were thinking about a family and that I didn’t know what to do. I told her I didn’t think I was ready for kids and that I didn’t think I’d ever be.”

“Nobody is ready to have kids.” Yuuri smiled. “At least that’s what Mari told me. You know when I went to visit her she asked why the two of us didn’t already have kids. I told her I wasn’t ready and she told me I was stupid if I thought there would be a time when I was ready.”

“It’s not that.” Viktor was lost for words. It felt to him like every time he needed to say something he had no idea what to say. “My parents weren’t bad people. They tried to do the right thing but they just weren’t good at it, I guess. I didn’t do them any favors by being unresponsive and closed off but the reason I acted like that was that I didn’t feel like they cared about me. When I was seventeen and won my first senior gold I finally had a real source of income and so I started to cut off contact with them. After winning my first Grand Prix the next year, I completely shut them out. I probably shouldn’t have but I did and now I haven’t seen or talked to them in over ten years. But I don’t know how to be an actual parent. I don’t know how to be a good parent. I don’t want to screw up some kid like I was screwed up.”

“I don’t think you’re screwed up,” Yuuri responded, pulling Viktor tighter against him. “And I think you’d be a great dad.”

“You really think so?” Viktor’s voice was so muffled against Yuuri’s chest that they both almost laughed at the sound. Instead, Yuuri pushed him away so they could look at each other.

“I’m positive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm... not sure about this chapter. I changed it midway through and also wrote like 3/4 of it really tired so....


	14. But I Guess I’m Not Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He hugged Yakov, clinging to the older man like he was drowning. 
> 
> And maybe he was.
> 
> "I don't know what to do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics in this chapter indicate english. I'm sorry I can't decide on a format, I know this is confusing.

_March, 2003  
Saint Petersburg, Russia_

“This is the third time you’ve reinjured this ankle. If you’re not careful you’re not just going to see the end of your skating career but you could also end up unable to walk.” Viktor was doing his best job ignoring his mother’s lecture. “You can’t keep throwing yourself into skating like nothing is wrong. If you don’t let yourself heal properly you’ll be crippled!”

“It’s not that bad.” Viktor glowered, staring out his window at the annoyingly snowy landscape. If he was anywhere else right now it wouldn’t be snowing like this. America, Japan, France, anywhere but here in this godforsaken frozen hellscape.

“It is that bad and I’m worried about you.” Yana sighed, just wishing Viktor would look at her. “You should at least spend your time off the ice studying. If you want to get a real job–”

“I’m a skater.” Viktor bristled at the fact that his parents still didn’t see skating as anything more than an expensive hobby. “I’m good and I’m going to keep skating and winning.”

“You need to grow up and stop living in this fantasy world you’ve created!” Yana snapped before quickly backtracking. “I’m sorry Viktor, I didn’t mean that.”

But it was really too late and Viktor had been waiting months, years even, for one of his parents to finally say what he knew they felt.

“Yes, you did! You don’t like skating and you don’t think I should be doing it.” His long hair fell into his face as he looked at the ground. “You don’t understand why I keep skating because all you can see is what you want me to be and not what I want to be.”

“I’m just worried about you! You’re getting yourself hurt and you’re ignoring your school work. I know you’re still trying to figure out how you feel about Grandma’s death but you need to stop asking what she would want and start thinking about what you want.”

Viktor stood and limped past his mother, shrugging off her hand when she tried to stop him. His anger was boiling his blood and he already felt hot, angry tears pricking at his eyes. What right did she have to say he couldn’t make his own decisions about the future? Who was she to imply he was only doing this for his grandma?

“Where are you going?” Yana called as he put on his shoes, worry lacing her words.

He answered by slamming the front door behind him.

 ---

Angry tears were falling by the time he reached the ice rink. It took him much longer than usual, his ankle getting more and more painful as he dragged himself through the light snow and crowds.

He slammed his way into the ice rink, his entrance garnering attention for the other skaters. It was the end of the day and most were packing up to leave, only Georgi and Yakov were still on the ice.

“Viktor?” Georgi was the first of the two to notice the other young skater.

Yakov turned, concern immediately creasing his face. “Vitya, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be resting.”

“I wanted to go for a walk,” Viktor mumbled, his anger starting to dissipate when he realized this hadn’t been his best decision. He just felt so lost and sitting at home listening to another lecture was not really what he needed right now.

“Georgi, I think we’re done for today.” Viktor knew he should say that it was no problem and that they should continue practicing but he couldn’t do it. He was acting selfishly, taking Yakov away from Georgi when he was trying his best to practice. But he still let Georgi nod and leave to get his stuff together.

“Vitya, what’s the matter?” Yakov leaned against the barrier, putting his skate guards on carefully before leading the young man over to one of the benches so the older man could take his skates off.

“I can’t stay there anymore.” He confessed, grabbing a fistful of his own shirt to still his shaking hand. “Is there anywhere I could stay closer to the rink. I could tell them it’s so I don’t have to travel as far. I just– I just can’t keep explaining myself to them.”

Turning suddenly he hugged Yakov, clinging to the older man like he was drowning.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“I’ll talk to your parents,” Yakov told him, worried for the boy. “Okay?”

“You’d really do that?” Yakov nodded and Viktor slowly pulled out of his hug. “Thank you.”

 ---

_May, 2003  
Saint Petersburg, Russia_

Viktor finished moving into his new room, a small apartment near the rink, and immediately flopped onto his new bed.

Yakov had helped him convince his parents this was for the best, this way he wouldn’t spend as much time traveling and could instead use that for his studies. Yakov had also helped him move in along with the help of Georgi since Viktor had told his parents not to come help.

Not that they would have, they would have had to take off of work.

They still insisted he come home for dinner at least twice a week and he said he would oblige. He was still dependent on them for funds after all. But even now he was starting to make waves in the international juniors and was getting income of his own. It wouldn’t be long before his silver medal turned into gold medals and records. He knew he could do it and when he had enough of his own money he’d get himself a poodle.

 ---

_May, 2004  
Saint Petersburg, Russia_

“Okay, we got the picture.” The man said in highly accented Russian and Viktor unstrung his arms from Krasa’s neck, giving the poodle a scratch on the head before following the reporter to a bench. “Can I ask you a few questions?”

Viktor awarded the man his brightest smile, “Of course. Krasa, over here.”

The dog padded over to the bench, settling herself at his feet. The brown poodle was well behaved and could, for the most part, be left without a leash without Viktor having to worry about her.

“Is English fine?” The reporter asked, seeming uncomfortable speaking in Russian. Viktor could almost see the man’s relief when Viktor nodded. “ _So, Viktor, before we get into your plans for the season and whatnot I know a lot of your fans are interested in your new dog. What was its name again?_ ”

“ _This is Krasa, she’s a standard poodle._ ” Viktor smiled lovingly at the dog, who briefly raised her head at the sound of her name but when she found Viktor didn’t want anything she went back to being half asleep. “ _She’s a rescue dog and she’s four years old._ ”

“ _Is she your first dog?_ ”

“ _She is my first dog, yes. My family had a poodle when I was younger._ ”

“ _She is very sweet._ ” The reporter commented before his face shifted and Viktor knew it was time for some real questions. “ _Would you care to tell us a little about what you have planned for the upcoming season?_ ”

“ _Sure._ ” Viktor smiled again, “ _I’d love to._ ”

 ---

_January 2006  
Lyon, France_

The camera flashes were blinding but he numb feeling in Viktor’s mind didn’t even catch those. He smiled, he was happy about the gold around his neck even if it felt so strange, and waved at the cameras.

He left the ice and remembered having his attention called by a young man in the crowd. He’d asked his name and threw him a rose, smiling genuinely because if there was anything that Viktor loved it was young skaters who were so full of life and excited. Then again, he was anything but old at 17. That didn’t stop him from feeling old.

If he was honest, the only reason he didn’t feel like this medal was worthless was because of the young man who’d called out to him. He was 15 but looked much younger, his face round and his eyes bright. When he gave his first interview, thankfully in Russian because currently he was so dazed he wasn’t sure how his English would fare, they asked him some question about what this gold meant to him.

“Well, I’ve skated for most of my life so winning this gold really means just so much for me. I’m actually dedicating this win to my late grandmother, who is the reason I began skating.” The words filled him with pride and happiness. This medal meant so much to him, this interviewer couldn’t even understand. He knew that if there was a heaven then his grandmother was watching and smiling. He knew she must be proud. “My wins are for her.”

 ---

_April 2006  
St. Petersburg, Russia_

It wasn’t long before the gold medal didn’t feel all that great. It was great at the time, it felt so right, but then it was just back to the same old practice. It was back to the same nothingness that left Viktor drowning.

 ---

_December 2006  
St. Petersburg, Russia_

Yakov was proud of his young student. Viktor was 17, almost 18, and had won his first Grand Prix gold medal. With his long hair, sometimes Yakov thought he looked like Sofia but he would never tell the young man that. He knew it would break him.

It had been a hard few years. Viktor had almost entirely broken off ties with his parents even as they tried to stop him from doing exactly that. After this win, he’d have enough of a personal income that he wouldn’t need any help from them anymore. Yakov didn’t think completely cutting himself off from Yana and David was a good idea but he would let Viktor do what he thought was best for him.

Viktor’s skill was starting to really come through but Yakov suspected he wasn’t even close to the peak of his skill. He’d broken records in the juniors and he was already getting close to doing the same in senior competition.

“Yakov.” Georgi’s voice broke the older man out of his thoughts, the small smile on his face disappearing the moment he sees the concern painted onto the young man’s face.

“What’s the matter?” The crowds had started to disperse, people heading to their rooms to rest before the banquet later that night. Even so, Yakov lowered his voice, not wanting anyone to pick up his own concern.

“It’s Viktor… He’s in the locker room…” Georgi looks uncomfortable and upset, “We’ve been able to direct people elsewhere without anyone noticing but I don’t know how long we can do that. And I don’t know what to do about him… I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“Thank you, Georgi.” Yakov patted him on the shoulder and smiled, hopefully calming the young man down, then hurried towards the locker room.

He’d thought Viktor was doing okay. He’d thought the young man was doing better but apparently he was wrong. He’d seemed so happy after the first gold he won, talking about Sofia and how glad he was to be winning in the sport she loved, and he’d thrown himself into practice but not in the same desperate manner as after Sofia died. He’d seemed genuinely happy after winning the Grand Prix, especially in his home city.

Yakov nodded to one of the other skaters who was leaning next to the locker room door nonchalantly, doing a good job of not looking like he were turning people away.

“Do you know what’s going on?” He murmured to the young man, who only shook his head. “Okay. Thanks for doing this.”

Initially, Yakov thought the locker room was empty but his ears picked up on quiet crying coming from the back corner. He rushed over and felt panic run through him when he saw a small dent on one of the lockers, the gold medal laying on the ground next to it telling a pretty good story.

“Vitya?” Yakov turned the corner into the bathroom area, his eyes catching first onto the glint of scissors then onto Viktor. He panicked at the sight of the scissors but was relieved to see nothing that looked like blood. Again he called out, “Vitya.”

The young man raised his head from where it had been pulled tightly against his knees. There were tear tracks on his face and he was still crying but his eyes looked blank and distant. What startled Yakov, though, was what he’d not noticed at first because of the white bathroom tiles.

Viktor’s hair was strewn around him, his long locks gone and replaced by a messy chin length cut that had obviously been made by shaking hands. When Yakov approached Viktor’s eyes seemed to clear a little and he looked around himself, also looking embarrassed.

“I’m sorry.” Was the first thing out of his mouth. “I messed it all up.”

“It’s fine.” Yakov insisted, kneeling next to Viktor. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I messed everything up… The locker is dented. I messed up my hair, there’s no way to cover this up.”

“Don’t worry about any of that, I’m just glad you’re okay.” He put a hand on Viktor’s shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“After I won The European Championship I was so happy, it was just what I wanted. I thought Grandma would be proud and I thought my parents would see that I hadn’t made a mistake. I thought it would change something but everything is the same. Grandma is still dead and even though this was in St. Petersburg Mom and Dad didn’t come.”

“Sofia is proud of you, she always has been.” Yakov didn’t know exactly what he was supposed to do. He wanted to fix this but there didn’t seem to be any way he could. “Did you want your parents to come?”

“No. Yes.” Viktor thought for a moment, words catching in his throat. “Maybe? I don’t know… I know I didn’t invite them and I’ve been talking to them as little as I can but they knew this was happening. They knew and they still didn’t come.” Viktor locked his eyes with Yakov. “How could they not come?”

Yakov could understand their uncertainty about coming. Viktor obviously didn’t like being around them and so Yakov could clearly see how unsure they would be about coming to this event but as far as he knew they never asked Viktor if he wanted them to come. They never even called Yakov to ask his opinion.

“I’m sorry, Vitya.” Was the only thing Yakov could think to say. Viktor moved to wrap his arms around Yakov’s neck and Yakov returned his hug, the young man starting to cry again. “I’m sorry.”

\--- 

Yakov did clean things up well. It wasn’t the first time he’d had to and it wouldn’t be the last. Viktor did a good job acting like nothing had happened, really too good of a job in Yakov’s opinion. Whereas before Viktor would have moments of anger or bouts of sadness, now he covered it all with a smile. The smile wasn’t necessarily fake, sometimes it was but not usually, but it wasn’t exactly genuine either. It seemed like the happy-go-lucky Viktor was back, the one who’d disappeared in a fog of hormones and rocky family relationships.

The reporters asked about his hair and he just smiled and said he just wanted a change. He assured them it wasn’t as sudden as it seemed. He smiled and joked and laughed lightly. And Yakov didn’t like any of it.

When he tried to confront him about his shift in demeanor the young man just waved Yakov off with an airy laugh, telling him that he was concerned about nothing.

Viktor never visited Sofia’s grave after that and he stopped talking to his parents. They’d call and he wouldn’t pick up, deleting their messages without listening to them. They tried going to his apartment and he refused to let them in. They even tried going to the ice rink but he ignored them and would escape to a bathroom or the locker room without awarding them anything more than a glance.

Without much else to do, Viktor threw himself into figure skating because it was all he had. Each high ranking and every gold rolled over him, making him less and less happy with each time.

Yakov saw a young man fading and had no idea what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty much where I break from the canon. From the entirely too much research I’ve done (aka rewatching Yuuri’s flashbacks about being the biggest Viktor fanboy) I know a lot of this does not fit into the time line. For example, in that interview that spurs Yuuri to get Vicchan the poodle Viktor has is Makkachin. But like at oldest I’d say he’s 16 in that so based on the average lifespan of a standard poodle, Makkachin would be like a year away from passing and guess who’s not about that life. The life I am about is having a rescue dog who’s old enough to die (;_;) when Viktor is in his early to mid-twenties and then he get Makkachin because like hell am I considering the fact that if Viktor had Makkachin (who appears full grown) at around 15/16 then he’d then Makkachin would be at death’s door by the time we meet Makkachin in universe. And also in my current time line of this fic Makkachin would really have to have passed. But I refuse that because I’ve read enough fics where Makkachin dies and #SaveMakka2K17
> 
> Also this was a mess of years and I did more research that was necessary to try and place things realistically. I used real life Grand Prix's to decided places since everything we've seen so far seems to line up with IRL skating time wise.
> 
> PS I made a small edit on the previous edit because while writing this chapter I had to change a lot of the timing stuff. I'll probably have to make more edits as well but for now that's all I've done. (it said sixteen when I ended up saying he was 17)


	15. Not to Let the Changes Scare Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor has a plan to show Yuuri some of his fondest memories. 
> 
> Yakov has a plan to make sure a certain blond man doesn't pretend his problems don't exist. 
> 
> Yuuri had a plan to make some fond memories with the person he loves the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics are Russian, bold is Japanese. Will I decide on a format for different languages? Probably not.

“Yuuri.” Viktor sang, holding out the u’s more than was strictly necessary. “Wake up.”

Yuuri responded with a groan, pulling the blankets up over his head.

“Come on, get up!” Viktor laid down on top of his husband, speaking loudly into his ear. “No sleeping, I want to take you sightseeing today.”

“Can’t it wait a little longer? I wanted to sleep in.”

“You’re just jetlagged.” Viktor was always amazed by how horribly jetlagged Yuuri always got on trips. “We need to get your sleep schedule in order and that means not sleeping the day away.”

“I don’t want to sleep anything away.” Yuuri easily pushed Viktor off of him, the taller man sent sprawling onto the floor. “I just want to sleep in.”

“I’m not going to let you win this,” Viktor told Yuuri, sitting up to glare at the lump that was his husband.

 ---

Yuuri didn’t get out of bed until noon, having been able to fall asleep despite Viktor’s whining. When he did finally get out of bed Viktor had already sent the last hour pouting in the corner and while Yuuri got ready Viktor refused to talk to his husband.

“Viktor, I’m ready to go,” Yuuri told him, pulling his shoes on. “Didn’t you want to go somewhere?”

Viktor didn’t respond, instead, he continued sitting at the window and pouting. Yuuri sighed and walked over to him, draping his arms over the Russian man’s shoulders.

“Viktor.” Yuuri tried to imitate the cadence of Viktor’s voice when he was trying to wake him up. Unlike Viktor, who could do little to budge Yuuri when he made a decision, Yuuri was very good at getting Viktor to crack. “I’m sorry, won’t you forgive me?”

Even as he tried to ignore Yuuri, a smile crept onto Viktor’s face. Yuuri continued to lean more and more weight onto his husband until finally, Viktor started laughing.

“Okay, okay.” Viktor said between giggled, “You win.”

Yuuri planted a small kiss onto Viktor’s forehead before dragging himself back to his feet.

“You know I love you, right?” Yuuri asked, helping Viktor to his feet.

“Of course, Love.” Viktor placed a small kiss on Yuuri’s cheek before heading towards the door, both of them wearing stupid grins.

 ---

“Where are we going, exactly?” Yuuri asked as he let himself be lead by the hand.

“Ice skating.”

“Wait, were we supposed to be meeting Yurio or Yakov?” Yuuri blood ran cold. “Are you telling me I’m the reason we’ve kept them waiting?”

Viktor went back to his pouty face, a look that Yuuri had long since gotten used to. “So you care more about whether they want you awake than me?”

“Of course. You aren’t a nineteen-year-old ball of anger or a grumpy seventy-four-year-old pit bull.”

Viktor laughed, unlacing his fingers from Yuuri’s so he could throw his arm around his husband’s shoulders. “I guess you’re right, I’m not all that scary compared to them. But, no, that wasn’t where I was dragging you.”

“Oh, then where are we going?”

“You’re impatient,” Viktor complained, his smile never faltering. “But if you must know, I’m taking you to my old rink. Before I trained under Yakov I went to a different rink with a different coach. It’s also the first rink I ever skated at. When I was four my grandma took be skating and I fell in love. Also, I was pretty good at it.”

Yuuri tried to imagine what four-year-old Viktor looked like but was having a hard time. He was sure he was adorable though.

“You still remember how to get to it?” Yuuri asked, “Unless you looked it up.”

“No, I still remember. It’s pretty close to the house I grew up in and the way there is burned into my mind. The path to that rink is just as burned into my memory since I did make that trip six years more or less. When I started going to Yakov’s rink it was further so my grandma, then my parents, drove me until I moved closer.” Viktor paused at a crossroads before leading Yuuri towards the right. “One more block.”

Viktor was smiling widely and Yuuri couldn’t help but stare at his husband. Often he’d stare at Viktor and ask himself how he got to this point. If he went back ten years and told himself he’d not only have won multiple gold medals but was also married to Viktor Nikiforov he was pretty sure his past self would faint. And if he told himself that Viktor had taken his last name Yuuri was sure seventeen year old him would start to suspect current Yuuri was making fun of him.

“Viktor–” Yuuri forgot what it was he was about to say when Viktor stopped, his smile dropping. They’d stopped in front of a nondescript office building, without an ice rink in sight. “What’s wrong?”

“I, umm… I think I went the wrong way.” Viktor looked around, confused, before replacing his frown with a less than genuine smile. “Let me just look it up.” He laughed, but there was zero humor in the sound. “I must not remember as well as I thought.”

After a moment of silence, Yuuri sliding his arm around Viktor’s waist and pulling him closer, Viktor put his phone away and tried to smile but the devastation in his eyes was obvious.

“Viktor?”

“A couple of years ago the rink closed and was torn down.”

“Viktor…” Yuuri carefully rubbed his husband’s back, looking up at him worriedly. “Hey, are you okay?”

“Yah.” He smiled unconvincingly. “It’s fine. Why don’t we go get lunch?”

\--- 

They ended up meeting the rest of the Russian skaters for a quick lunch. Viktor smiled and laughed, making easy conversation even though Yuuri could see through his façade. Yuuri was pretty sure nobody else was convinced. Even Georgi, who wasn’t always the most perceptive person, seemed to notice something was off about Viktor.

Near the end of lunch, Mila smiled broadly, though her eyes were concerned. “I want to go shopping with the Yuri’s.”

“Why would I want to go shopping with you?” Yurio complained.

“I want to come too!” Georgi interjected, seeming to ignore the youngest skater. “The four of us should go shopping together!”

“And we can practice Yuuri’s Russian.” Mila smiled and Yuuri looked over at Viktor for help.

“Well, Yuuri and I are still pretty jetlagged–” Viktor tried to explain only to be interrupted by Yakov.

“ _Vitya, I was hoping to talk to you a bit. Let the four of them have their fun._ ” The Russian wasn’t strictly necessary, Yuuri could more or less understand what he’d said.

Viktor nodded and shrugged to Yuuri, who sighed. He just had to hope the Russians knew what they were doing.

“Okay, I’ll meet you back at the hotel.” Yuuri leaned over and pressed a soft kiss into Viktor’s lips. “ **If you need anything, call me.** ”

“ **I love you.** ” Viktor smiled, but this one was small, tired, and convincing. Yuuri accepted it and left with the other skaters.

“ _Vitya, what is going on with you?_ ” Yakov asked immediately.

“ _If only that was specific enough of a question._ ” Viktor tapped his foot absentmindedly, “ _What exactly do you want to know?_ ”

“ _This trip was sudden and I want to know why. On top of that, you’ve been acting strangely all lunch. And Yuri said you were acting strangely after getting off the plane. And they mentioned you wanted to talk to me. I think Yuri was worried you’d chicken out without intervention._ ”

“ _Oh, that… Well I guess this will seem like it came out of nowhere…_ ” Viktor had not expected to feel so shy and embarrassed asking Yakov for advice about kids. “ _Did you ever think about having kids?_ ”

“ _Not sure if you remember this or not, but I’m divorced._ ” Yakov frowned, unsure what silliness Viktor was thinking about.

“ _I know, I meant before that._ ”

“ _I honestly didn’t think about it much. I was young and very in love but neither of us thought it was a good idea. And we were right. Kids made divorce messy._ ”

“ _Well I don’t have to worry about that._ ” Viktor smiled and Yakov realized in that moment what Viktor was really asking.

“ _Aren’t you two a little old to be thinking about kids?_ Yakov asked, frowning even though Yakov didn’t actually think either man was too old.

“ _We would adopt, probably an older kid. Or maybe younger… We haven’t gotten that far. You’re… umm… I guess you’re sort of the closest thing I have to a father and that’s why I thought I’d ask you._ ” Viktor looked at his hands nervously, trying his best to keep calm. “ _And if we do decide to start a family you’d sort of be the kid’s grandfather._ ”

Yakov sat in shocked silence and when Viktor looked up at him he found the old man had a strange look on his face. His eyes were wide, a small smile and look of surprise like Viktor had never seen before. Viktor was also pretty sure his eyes were watering.

“ _Yakov? Are you okay?_ ”

“ _I’m fine, Vitya. Just never thought I’d be a grandfather._ ” He honestly sounded choked up.

“ _We haven’t even started the adoption process, or even decided!_ ” Viktor felt somewhere between laughter and panic. “ _And you’re the only one we’ve told. Well, you and Phichit. Yuuri and I haven’t even decided–_ ”

Yakov reached across the table and pulled Viktor into a tight hug. “ _I know why you’re worried but you’d be a fine father._ ” Viktor felt a little bit like crying when he said that, but was able to keep himself together. “ _Sofia would be so proud of you._ ”

The words hit Viktor and he’s self control was gone, his entire body shivering before he let tears fall onto Yakov’s shoulder.

“ _Thank you._ ” Viktor whispered, hugging the old man back. “ _For everything._ ”

Later Viktor would find out someone caught a picture of the two of them hugging ad poster it to Instagram. Outwardly he acted annoyed, mostly because Yakov was annoyed, but really he was glad to have the picture.

 ---

Viktor arrived back at the hotel before Yuuri and he waited what seemed like an exorbitant amount of time for him to return. Just when he was going to call Yakov to tell him Mila had kidnapped his husband, his phone rang. He glanced at it and saw the caller ID was “Yuuri<3<3<3”. He looked at the picture he’d used for Yuuri’s contact, one of him from one of the times he and Viktor went to the beach together. His eyes were bright and he was splashing water at the camera, at Viktor, while obviously laughing.

Viktor’s heart fluttered every time he saw the picture show up. He was so distracted he almost forgot to pick up.

“Hey babe.” He said sweetly into the phone, a little embarrassed by his absentmindedness. “Did Mila get you guys arrested?”

Yuuri laughed lightly, “No, not this time. I wanted to meet you somewhere though.”

“Really? Where?” Yuuri listed off the address and Viktor frowned. “That’s near my old neighborhood.”

“Yah, I know.” Yuuri sounded a little suspicious. “Just come over here, okay?”

“Okay… Should I bring anything?”

“Just you.” Yuuri assured before hanging up suddenly. Viktor blinked at his phone, unsure what exactly could be happening. He was pretty sure the last time Yuuri had acted like this was when he proposed to Viktor with those “good luck charms” of his.

Viktor could only shrug to the empty room, getting ready to go back out into the chilly night.

 ---

Viktor met Yuuri on a semi-dark street, concerned about the nervousness of his husband.

“Yuuri, what’s up?”

“Come with me.” Yuuri said, grabbing Viktor’s hand and pulling him down the street.

“Yu-Yuuri, where are we going?”

“It turns out Russian skaters are really good a pulling strings. And intimidating people.” Viktor blinked at Yuuri, confused as to what he was talking about. “So they did just that.”

Viktor stopped short, pulling them both to a stop, in front of the building Yuuri was pulling him towards.

“This is…?”

“The office building that replaced your old rink.” Yuuri smiled sheepishly at Viktor. “We... umm… convinced one of the companies that own space in this building to give us access tonight.”

“What the hell did you four do?” Viktor looked bewildered. “And why?”

“Well,” Yuuri blushed and looked at the ground. “I know you’re upset about the rink being gone even if you tried to say you were fine and I thought even if you couldn’t relive the good memories you had here that maybe we could make our own good memories.” Yuuri, face still red, looked up at Viktor with a set face. “Let’s go.”

He began to drag Viktor the building and when he pushed his way through the unlocked doors Viktor saw that they’d put strings of lights around the room and that there was was looked like speakers sitting on the floor.

“Yuuri?”

His husband let go of Viktor’s hand and ran over to the speakers, hitting a few buttons before walking back over and extending his hand to Viktor. “May I have this dance?”

Quietly ‘Duetto’ started playing and Viktor smiled. This had not only been the gala skate for Yuuri and Viktor but also their first dance at their wedding. Their friends had teased them to no end, especially Yurio, but it had been lovely either way.

“Of course.”

Viktor and Yuuri fell comfortably into the dance they knew all too well. When they’d choreographed the dance they broke it up into four parts. In the first Viktor lead, confidently but without passion, and Yuuri followed with wide eyes and purposeful hesitation.

The second part was a short and sudden shift to Yuuri as the leader, much of this part was, much to Yuuri’s continued embarrassment, modeled after his and Viktor’s dancing during Yuuri’s first banquet.

The third portion was back to Viktor leading, again with confidence but now with an added intimacy. They dance much closer, their movements more romantic and in some cases more sexual. Some of this part was actually based off the Eros program. This part ended with a dip and Viktor placing a small kiss onto Yuuri’s lips. At this point it was hard for Yuuri to not forget about the rest of the dance and pull Viktor into a deeper kiss.

The last part, Yuuri and Viktor’s favorite part, had Yuuri technically leading but if you really watched the dance you’d see that the two men were more or less equal in this part.

When the music faded out both men were breathing heavily. Yuuri pulled Viktor’s head down so they could share a deep, slow kiss before Yuuri pulled himself away slightly. They both wore stupid smiles and Yuuri thought he could see tears in Viktor’s eyes.

“You know, you’re the best husband in the world.” Viktor leaned his head onto Yuuri’s shoulder, his voice barely above a murmur.

“I don’t know, you’re a pretty great husband yourself.” Yuuri smiled, leaning his forehead into Viktor’s shoulder. “And, Viktor, I want to start a family with you.”

“Yuuri, I’d love to start a family with you.” Yuuri pulled back to look at Viktor. Viktor gave him one of his beautiful, genuine smiles. It was the kind that crinkled the corners of his eyes and was a bit lopsided. It was one of Yuuri’s favorite things in the world.

“Viktor I love you.” Yuuri smiled widely himself, his eyes wide with relief and love. Viktor would have argued with Yuuri if he’d known how he thought Viktor’s smile was the pretties thing in the world. He’d argue because he was sure Yuuri’s smile was actually the prettiest thing in the world. Other than Yuuri himself, that was.

“I love you too.” He kissed Yuuri again, soft and unhurried. When they pulled apart he chuckled. “Mila didn’t actually hurt anyone to get permission to be here, right?”

“She made some strongly worded statements but that’s about it. I think the people we talked to are fans of Yurio.”

Viktor laughed and Yuuri smiled at the sound, loving it. Yuuri kissed his husband again then the two of them feel into a simple slow dance that they didn’t need music for. All they needed was each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4 more chapters! There's pretty much zero angst after this so yay! Some sort of melancholy scenes but no straight up angst, at least none that's planned. Then again a lot of these chapters weren't supposed to have angst...
> 
> Alsoooo I'm annoyed by one of the scenes in this chapter but I left it cause I need to be less critical of my own work. Also because if I keep antagonizing over it I'll never finish this chapter. 
> 
> Wow I just noticed I've consistently been misspelling banquet as banquette so yah...


	16. Since You’ve Always Been By My Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sofia takes a four-year-old Viktor skating for the first time.

_Christmas Day, 1992  
Saint Petersburg, Russia_

“Okay Vitya, there you go.” Sofia smiled at the small blond sitting in front of her. He looked at the skates on his feet in amazement, like he didn’t quite understand them. His eyes were sparkling and he looked ready to take on the world. “Ready to go on the ice?”

Viktor nodded, standing shakily on the blades while grabbing tightly to Sofia’s hand. He concentrated intently on the ground, and his feet, letting his grandma lead him to the ice while he got used to walking in the strange, heavy shoes.

Sofia guided the small boy carefully to the ice, “Okay, so now try and get on the ice. I’ll be right behind you.”

He nodded, carefully getting onto the ice. Immediately he regretted every decision he’d made in his life up to that point. He felt unsteady and uncertain on the ice, his feet and body not doing what he wanted them to.

“Vitya, don’t worry.” Sofia got on the ice easily, unintentionally showing off her expertise. "Lead forward and move one foot at a time like we practiced."

They had practiced the basic movements of skating before coming but the moment he stepped on the ice Viktor had forgotten everything he’d learned.

“Grandma!” Viktor shouted, feeling himself tilting backward.

“Lean forward!” Sofia was there to catch him before he could hit the ground, easily scooping him off the ice and putting him back on his feet. “Careful not to lean back. I know you want to but that’ll happen again if you do.”

“This is hard,” Viktor complained, trying his best not to lean forward. “Did you really used to do this for fun, Grandma?”

“Yep and it is fun, you just need to get used to it. Believe it or not, when I was your age I also had trouble getting on the ice and not falling.”

“Really?” He looked up at her with wide, sparkling eyes. “Did you fall?”

“A lot at first.” She smiled softly at her grandson. “But that’s not that different from life. You fall a lot, especially at first, and you have to learn how to get back up and keep going.” When he blinked at her Sofia laughed. “I guess that was too philosophical for a four-year-old. I’ll tell you that again when you’re older, okay?”

He nodded, not really following but happy to oblige her wishes anyway.

“Okay, now let’s try skating again. First your left foot, then your right foot.” She demonstrated and he copied her, easily propelling himself forward a little.

“Grandma, did you see that!” He exclaimed.

In his excitement, though, Viktor leaned backward and fell onto his butt. He looked at his grandma with teary eyes and she cooed over him, helping him to his feet.

“That hurt.” He complained. “I didn’t like that.”

“But you’re okay, right?” He nodded and she smiled, “Then do you want to keep going? You looked like you were doing pretty great to me.”

He nodded, his smile widening as he followed his grandma’s example and began skating again. It wasn’t long until he got the hang of the motion. It would take him longer to learn how to stop, though.

By the time the public skate time was over, Viktor decided he wanted to skate every day. Sofia assured him they come again but that they couldn’t come every day. She did say that she’d talk to his parents about enrolling him in beginner’s classes.

“Do you really like skating?” She asked, pulling one skate off and starting on untying the other.

“Yah, it was a lot of fun.” Viktor wasn’t an unhappy child and he wasn’t anywhere near a stoic child but even so, Sofia wasn’t sure she’d ever seen such a genuine smile on his face. Maybe only when someone was tickling him but that type of smile was different than the one plastered on his face now.

“Well, maybe one day you’ll be a star.” She pulled the second skate off and handed the boy his shoes, which he easily pulled on himself. “You’ll be my star.”

“Really?” He smiled so brightly, truly like a star.

“Of course, Zvyozdochka.”

\--- 

He was nodding off at dinner so Sofia ended up carrying him home. He fell asleep quickly, his head leaning on her shoulder. It was cold out and Sofia wanted to get him home soon but she found herself pausing to look out onto the dark water.

She wasn’t sure how she got here, to being a grandmother. She wasn’t even sure how she got to the point of being a mother. But she’d worked hard as a mother, especially after her husband died and Sofia was left to take care of Yana on her own.

Yana had had an okay life. She’d been able to go to decent schools and was able to get a good, high paying job. She insisted on supporting Sofia, saying it was the right thing to do. Now Sofia and Yana, along with Yana’s family, lived in one of the nicest parts of St. Petersburg.

And Sofia had a grandson. A sweet, kind, and excitable grandson. His hair and eyes, platinum blond and blue, matched hers and Yana’s. His nose was his father’s but everything else about him was straight from Yana, who looked almost uncannily like Sofia.

Of course, even if he hadn’t looked like Sofia the woman would have loved him just as much. He was her only grandchild and he meant the world to her already. From the moment she saw him in the hospital and was asked by David and Yana to name him, she’d loved him with all her heart.

Viktor was the name she’d given him because she knew her grandson would win at whatever it was that he wanted to do. Just seeing him then, so small and yet so loud as he screamed healthily, Sofia could feel that he’d be the top of anything he tried. Sports or academics. Business or science or education. He could do whatever he wanted and Sofia would make sure he was raised believing that. She’d raised Yana with the knowledge that if you worked hard enough, you could find a way to be great. Now she’d see that her grandson, her small winner, would believe the same.

“Viktor.” She murmured. “I know you’ll be the strongest and more courageous person in the world. If I can give you anything I want to give you the strength to succeed, the strength to struggle, and the strength to be you.” She pressed a kiss into his short, pin-straight hair. “I love you, Zvyozdochka.”


	17. Because Change Can Be Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m pretty sure you’re the cute one here.” Viktor kissed Yuuri’s nose, “No question.”
> 
> “Shut up.” Yuuri murmered into Viktor’s lips. “You won’t win this one.”
> 
> Viktor couldn’t decided whether he cared about losing this argument.

“Viktor, I don’t understand how you’re not cold.”

Viktor and Yuuri were supposed to meet the others for dinner but it was way too early for them to head over. Much to Yuuri’s chagrin, Viktor insisted they spend some time in the park. Yuuri complained it was too cold, wanting to stay somewhere warm, like in bed, but the Russian refused to accept no from his husband. Mostly, Viktor wanted and excuse to sit in the park and cuddle up close to Yuuri.

“Well, I think the weather is fine.” He cuddled himself closer to Yuuri, who obliged Viktor’s overt public display of affection mostly because he was cold. And a little bit because he enjoyed it. “See, even a wedding party is out.”

Viktor pointed out a small wedding party getting ready to release balloons not far away. The bride was in a short-sleeved wedding gown, with only a thin shawl to keep her arms warm.

“She has to be freezing.” Yuuri readjusted himself again Viktor, trying to pull as much warmth out of the Russian as possible. Unfortunately, his husband’s resistance to the cold didn’t make him feel any warmer. “What are the balloons for?”

“It’s a wedding tradition.”

“Wait,” Yuuri pulled away from Viktor so he could look at him more closely, “Is that why you released that balloon on our wedding? You could have told me, I would have done that with you.”

“Well… it wasn’t exactly the same thing.” Yuuri was surprised to see Viktor blush. “What I was doing wasn’t this.”

“I don’t follow.” Yuuri frowned. “ What were you doing?”

“There’s a different tradition where a bride will release a balloon with her maiden name on it.” Viktor wouldn’t look at Yuuri, embarrassed that he had finally had to explain this to Yuuri. It had been so silly a thing for him to do. “It represents her, umm, I guess it represents her leaving her past behind and sort of embracing her new life? At least that’s what I think, it’s not like I’ve actually ever been to a Russian wedding.”

“You wrote you name on a balloon and released it?”

Viktor blushed at his lap, “I was really excited to marry you.”

Yuuri smiled, pulling Viktor’s chin up so he could kiss his husband softly. “You’re adorable.”

“Hey!” Viktor smiled, “I’m not adorable.”

“Yes, you are.” Yuuri threw his arms around Viktor’s shoulders, not caring much about the amount of people in the park with them, and kissed him again. “You’re too adorable for me to handle.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re the cute one here.” Viktor kissed Yuuri’s nose, “No question.”

“Shut up.” Yuuri murmured into Viktor’s lips. “You won’t win this one.”

Viktor couldn’t decide whether he cared about losing this argument.

 ---

Lunch was crowded, the table not feeling large enough for ten people. Otabek looked like he thought the same thing but that was probably because while Yurio sat on one side of him, Nikolai sat on the other and would every so often give him a look that could probably kill. Yurio seemed to be completely ignoring Nikolai’s open hostilely towards his best friend, instead alternating between chatting with their mother and with Otabek. Yuuri wasn’t sure why Nikolai was so irritated with the young skater since, at least from Yurio had told Yuuri, nothing had changed in Yurio and Otabek’s relationship.

Yakov sat at one end of the table. He was almost constantly engaged in conversation with Georgi, who’d brought his new girlfriend. Yuuri couldn’t remember the girlfriend’s name for the life of him and so let Viktor be forced into conversation with her. Yuuri instead chatted with Mila, who sat next to him and across from Yakov. Yuuri had found over the years that he really liked Mila even if, or maybe because, she was as mischievous as Phichit. Luckily her teasing was directed at the other Russians and not at Yuuri.

“ _How’s your brother?_ ” Yuuri asked, trying his best to piece together a conversation in Russian. He was much better than when he started but he still felt a little unsure about his skills.

“ _He’s great. He’s in college now, wants to be a doctor._ ”

“ **Yuuri.** ” Viktor nudged his husband, his Japanese telling Yuuri he wanted to ask him something private. “ **Should we ask Yuri’s grandpa for his phone number? Then we can ask him any questions we might have.** ”

“ **What are you– Oh.** ” Yuuri laughed lightly. “ **I mean if you think that would be helpful. But won’t we have to explain why?** ”

“Hey!” Yurio shouted even though they were sitting close enough for that not to be necessary. “I heard you say my name, don’t talk about me in Japanese.”

“We weren’t talking about you, no need to be so paranoid.” Viktor stuck his tongue out at Yurio and Yuuri rolled his eyes. “ **We could always just tell them we’re planning to try adoption.** ”

“ **Isn’t it bad luck to tell people that before we’ve even started the process?** ”

“ **Bad luck? I don’t know if that counts with adoption or just when you’re actually having a kid.** ”

“I don’t know, Yurio, they do keep talking about a ‘kid’.” Yuuri knew Mila’s Japanese wasn’t anywhere near good enough to follow their conversation but she seemed to have gotten good at picking out simple words. “That’s probably you.”

“Shut up, I’m not a kid!” He glared at Viktor, “What are you two talking about?”

Viktor looked at Yakov for help, he knew about their plans, but he just shrugged as if it was all inevitable.

“None of your business,” Viktor smirked, which only irritated Yurio more. “We don’t have to tell you.”

Again Yuuri rolled his eyes, “We were deciding whether to ask Nikolai for his phone number or not.” Yurio looked confused, leaning back in their chair with an open but silent mouth. “Viktor and I were thinking about starting a family and thought having some contact with people who have raised children would be a good idea.”

“Yuuri, didn’t you just say we should tell them?”

“It was too late Viktor.” Yuuri sighed. “Yurio were going to force it out of us eventually.”

Their conversation fell silent when they realized nobody else at the table was talking, instead, they were staring at the couple with a varying degree of confusion and surprise. Yakov was the only one who didn’t seem surprised, on account of the fact that he already knew this was happening. Nikolai and Yurio’s mother didn’t look that surprised, but they didn’t really know Viktor or Yuuri. They were really only here because Yurio invited them.

“You guys?” Yuuri glanced from face to face, “It’s really not that big of a deal?”

The spell broken, squeals broke out on either side of Viktor and Yuuri. Mila threw her arms around Yuuri’s neck while Georgi sprung up to do the same to Viktor. Both babbled to their captured prey, both more excited about this that was strictly necessary.

“This was what you wanted to talk to Yakov about?” Yurio asked, looked like they were trying to suppress their shock. “You didn’t think you could tell me this?”

“Everyone, this really isn’t that big of a deal.” Viktor insisted, trying to peel Georgi off of him. “We haven’t even started the process yet.”

Nikolai chuckled, one of the first to snap out of the madness of the situation. “ _Of course I can give you two my phone number, you’ve really helped out with Yurochka so I’d love to help you too._ ”

Yuuri nodded, Mila finally leaning back away from him. “ _Thank you, sir._ ”

Viktor smiled at Yuuri and Yuuri smiled back. This was going better than planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably post two chapters (last two) tomorrow since they'll both be pretty short. Honestly if I wasn't so obsessed with formatting they'd probably be one chapter. 
> 
> Also I might write an epilogue... I like how this ends but I also sort of like the idea I came up with or an epilogue. We'll see.


	18. Even When I Left My Past Behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before their first dance, and the group dance Phichit had convinced them to choreograph and practice with the wedding party, Viktor had something he wanted to do. He’d stolen a balloon from inside and after a lot of searching, found a sharpie. 
> 
> With careful, well practiced-strokes, Viktor wrote one word. Or more accurately, a name.

_Around Three Years Earlier  
Hasetsu, Japan_

The wedding had been more than beautiful. It had been amazing. It had been so many things that Viktor couldn’t find words for.

It had been everything he ever wanted.

Maybe it was wrong of him not to at least try to invite his parents. Viktor knew Yakov was thinking the same thing, maybe even Georgi was too. Yakov had given him a knowing look when Viktor asked if he’d walk him down the aisle. Instead of commenting on Viktor not asking his actual father, he’d made some comment about the fact that Viktor wasn’t a bride that needed to be given away. Viktor had laughed him away, explaining it had been Yuuri’s idea since he wanted his parents involved in the ceremony without making his parents part of the wedding party itself. He reasoned that even if they’d decided on a non-religious, western ceremony it didn’t mean they couldn’t do whatever they wanted. Actually, Yuuri had given Viktor quite the mischievous smile when he said this, he’d said that the non-religiosity coupled with the western planning meant they definitely should do whatever they wanted.

So maybe saying that they’d been walked down the aisle was not exactly right, more Yuuri’s parents walked with him down the aisle. And Viktor had asked Yakov to do the same for him. He would have rather his grandma walked with him but that was obviously impossible.

But the ceremony had been perfection itself. The reception would be starting soon, they were moving tables and chairs off the dance floor now, and Viktor knew he needed to step back inside. His husband would be waiting for their first dance.

Viktor smiled broadly, liking the feeling of calling Yuuri his husband.

Before their first dance, and the group dance Phichit had convinced them to choreograph and practice with the wedding party, Viktor had something he wanted to do. He’d stolen a balloon from inside and after a lot of searching, found a sharpie.

With careful, well practiced-strokes, Viktor wrote one word. Or more accurately, a name.

 _Lebedev_.

Sure, he could have invited his parents to his wedding. Maybe he should have. Maybe it was time to reach out and see what they had to say about his life now that he’d proved figure skating was the thing he was meant to do. Or maybe they had been right because, really, he had lost most of his will to much of anything until Yuuri had danced drunkenly into his life. Maybe he would have been happier as a doctor or a teacher or a lawyer or whatever else he could have been.

But then he’d never have met Yuuri. And without Viktor maybe Yuuri would have stayed in ballet and gone on to dance instead of skate. Or, more likely, there would have been some other young skater to inspire him. Someone to inspire all those people who claimed Viktor as their driving force to skate. Maybe Chris would have learned to love skating on his own and maybe Yuuri would had been inspired by him.

No, the choice to be a figure skater was a good one even if sometimes it didn't feel like he’d actually chosen the career. It had been the right choice and he didn’t need his parents’ blessing to know that.

Viktor held the balloon over his head, the string feeling like a ghost against his hand. It felt like there was nothing holding the balloon in place other than his hesitation in letting it go. The string was so invisible against his skin Viktor wouldn’t have been surprised if opening his hand did nothing to change the position of the balloon.

Maybe he should have at least told them he was getting married. Not that they didn’t know. It was big news in Russia, at least if you pay even a little attention to sports. And maybe it was just wishful thinking on his part, self-centered wishful thinking, that made him assume his parents would follow sports. Would follow their son’s career. They knew he’d started using a different last name, right? Even if they didn’t, it wouldn’t be hard for them to find him. A skater named Viktor with the same last name as Yana’s mother who was a platinum blond with blue eyes. They would put it together even if they’d never paid enough attention to know that he was using a different name, right?

“Viktor?” Viktor jerked around, surprised by Yuuri’s voice even though it made sense. He’d been gone too long. “What are you doing, it’s almost time.”

Viktor smile softly at his fiancé– his husband. Calling him that made Viktor almost giddy. Okay, not almost. Viktor was definitely giddy at the thought of calling Yuuri his husband.

Even though the word didn’t change much, it wasn’t like their relationship was going to be different, it still meant so much to him. Viktor wanted to run around shouting and pointing to Yuuri, telling the world that ‘this is my husband!’ Viktor wanted to show people how he had the prettiest, funniest, smartest, cutest, kindest, most amazing husband in the world.

He looked at Yuuri with soft eyes and a wide grin, taking in every inch of him. He looked great in everything he wore but he looked even better in the suit they’d both picked out. Viktor was glad he’d convinced Yuuri to go with the slicked back hair and glasses combination.

They’d both picked out matching suits, with only the ties different. Of course, Yuuri’s was blue and Viktor’s was purple given their respective loves for those colors. Viktor had a hard time deciding between pink and purple, they both decided purple was more subdued and would be better.

Viktor truly loved everything about his husband, subdued or bold. Muted or loud. Confident or unsure. Provocative or modest. Every Yuuri was Viktor’s favorite Yuuri.

“Viktor?” Yuuri asked again, confusion obvious on his face with a slight color of concern too.

Viktor glanced at his balloon one more time and frowned, before opening his hand. For a moment he thought it wasn’t going to move but like it should the balloon floated into the fast approaching night. He watched it go before turning and smiling at Yuuri, who definitely looked worried now.

“Sorry about that, I’m ready now.” He walked over and extended his arm so he and Yuuri could entwine themselves together and enter the dance floor together.

They stopped at the edge of the doorway and Yuuri nodded to Phichit, who ran off to tell the DJ they were ready to enter.

“Yuuri.” Viktor didn’t look at his husband, instead tightening himself against Yuuri’s side.

“Yes?”

“I love you.” Now he looked at his husband, his head tilted just a little down so they could lock eyes.

“I love you too.” Yuuri smiled, leaning up to kiss Viktor quickly. He pulled away just as the DJ came spoke.

“If I can have everyone’s attention, I’d now like to welcome for their first dance Yuuri and Viktor Katsuki.”

Yuuri didn’t stop smiling for the rest of the night, thinking only about how crazy this was. To not only be marrying the love of his life but also the fact that the love of his life was Viktor Nikiforov. Or now, he was Viktor Katsuki.

Viktor didn’t stop smiling for the rest of the night, thinking only about how nice “Yuuri and Viktor Katsuki” had sounded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said this was going to be a short chapter. Yah me neither.


	19. And I Know I’ll Always Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With you by my side, I will never be alone.  
> With you by my side, the future is bright.  
> With you by my side, I will always know love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to go back and make this uniform in all my chapters but for the record, I've decided to put "---" between different scenes. I had to change it for this one because thanks to the HTML on here not letting me indent, I had to do something to make these letters look okay.
> 
> \---
> 
> 8/25/2017 EDIT: I finally did it. I finally finished the editing I started in February.

The weather was really starting to warm up, but the rain rarely seemed to stop in late April here in New York City. Viktor had been waiting for a gap in the rain since returning from their trip to Russia.

It had been a good trip and Viktor was glad he’d suggested the trip. It gave him time to think about what he was doing and what he wanted. It gave him time to think about what was holding him back. It gave him time to figure out what it was he was holding onto without even realizing it.

He’d been holding onto his past in one way or another without acknowledging it. He’d pretended to have left his past behind and moved on with Yuuri even as he was letting that past chain him down. It had been holding him down, making it impossible for him to even think about the idea of kids. It kept him from seeing that Yuuri wanted to talk about starting a family.

Viktor was standing on the fire escape outside their living room. In reality, it wasn’t a fire escape, but a balcony. It was designed to look like a fire escape that you’d see on an old New York building because people like him and Yuuri liked the style of it but didn’t need the functionality. If it was actually a fire escape they wouldn’t have all these plants sitting on it.

It was finally warm enough that they could move most of their plants back outside. Some of the small ones, they were usually cacti, would stay inside but the large plants had been moved back to their rightful home on the fire escape balcony. And Viktor loved to sit or stand with them surrounding him.

On one of the sturdier plants was tied a white balloon, the wind pulling it this way and that but the knot on its string was too tight for it to escape into the sky like it wanted. Viktor was sitting with his back against the wall, a notebook in his lap as he attempted to write a letter. He’d already ripped out about ten pages of previous attempts, each one balled up and thrown back through the window into the living room.

At first, Viktor had planned this to be a call, then an email, but he settled on a letter because it took more effort to respond to a letter and that was what he was looking for.

Honestly, this draft wasn’t going so well either.

 ~

_To David and Yana Lebedev,_

_I hope this letter finds you well. Hopefully, this finds you at all as I am sending this to the last address I have for you and do not know whether you have moved or not._

_In case you do not know who I am, my name is Viktor Katsuki. I was formerly known by the name Viktor Nikiforov and if that is still not enough I was born Viktor Lebedev._

_For various reasons I have, after so long, decided to contact you_

 ~

With a shout of frustration, Viktor ripped this letter out of the notebook and sent it to join it’s siblings in the ever growing pile on the living room floor. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes while trying to figure out what he even wanted to say.

He wasn’t even sure he wanted to send this letter, just that he knew writing this letter would help him figure out his feelings. Should he try and contact his family or not? Did he want them to be part of his life and the part of the life of his children? Did he just feel guilty for cutting them off when they hadn’t necessarily done anything that wrong?

They had been bad parents. They hadn’t been the worst. They’d meant well but they’d screwed him up. Or maybe he’d screwed himself up? If his grandma were still alive would he have gotten to this point or would he have continued to love skating, with each win bringing him more and more happiness?

The balloon floated opposite him, taunting him with decisions he had to make.

\--- 

“ **I’m home**.” Yuuri called into the mostly dark apartment, pulling his shoes off and setting his bag down before peeling his jacket off. “Viktor, you there?”

Yuuri walked into the living room and found it empty but also saw the window to the balcony was open. He started towards it, smiling reflexively as he imagined Viktor asleep on the balcony. Maybe he was drooling a little bit, a content smile on his face.

His foot his something and only then did Yuuri notice the papers strewn all over the floor. Picking one up he un-crumpled it, working through the Cyrillic slowly.

 ~

_Mom and Dad,_

_I know it’s been a long time but there’s something big happening in my life that I want you to be part of. I know I didn’t invite you to my wedding but I sort of regret that????_

 ~

Yuuri picked up a couple of the papers, reading them to make sure he was understand what they were.

 ~

_Mom and Dad,_

_I’m starting a family. With my husband. Did you know I was married? I changed my name again too, now I’m Viktor Katsuki. Or maybe you knew that from seeing me on television._

_I did pretty well for myself as a figure skater so I guess you were wrong?_

 ~

_Mom and Dad,_

_You fucked me up and now I’m going to have kid and don’t want to want to do the same but I sort of want my kid to know you. But like I don’t want you to fuck them up too. So like maybe I don’t want you in their life._

_Never mind!!!!!!!!!_

~ 

_Mr. and Mrs. Lebedev,_

_As you might know I, Viktor Katsuki, am your son. I am planning on having a child with my husband, Yuuri Katsuki. We are very happy. I did not invite you to our wedding because I was still angry at you. I think I might still be angry at you but I want to at least attempt to talk to you because I feel like my family life was broken by you and I cannot properly start a new family until I fix my original family. It is because of this that_

 ~

_Yana and David._

_Fuck you!!!_

_Love,  
Viktor “Your Son” Katsuki/Nikiforov/Lebedev_

~ 

Yuuri let the papers in his hand flutter to the ground and he headed over to the window, his eyes first catching the balloon attached to one of their plants. Written on it in Viktor’s careful and neat handwriting was a name that Yuuri recognized immediately.

_Nikiforov_

Yuuri frowned at it, stepping through the window and out onto the balcony. Next to the open window Viktor sat against the wall, sleeping soundly. His glasses had fallen down his nose, resting almost on the tip, and there was a pencil stuck into his hair which he’d put up into a small bun. On his lap was a notebook that had obviously had a lot of pages ripped out of it. On it, a full letter was written. Yuuri pulled the notebook out from under his husbands hand, using the light from inside to read what he’d written.

 ~

_Yana and David,_

_I know it’s been a long time and that I’m the reason we stopped talking. I know I’m the one who cut off contact. I know I’m the one who refused your calls and your presence. But when I was younger I did that because I felt like you’d already cut me out. When you didn’t come to the Grand Prix in St. Petersburg I felt like you must not care about me. I know I never asked you to come though so I shouldn’t really have expected you to come._

_I know Yakov and my husband, Yuuri, thought I should have invited you two to my wedding. And maybe I should have. The thing I never told them was that I didn’t want to ask you because I thought you’d say no. I thought you’d be too busy and you wouldn’t come. That would have hurt more than not inviting you. I should have let you decide, let you either prove me wrong or solidify my reasons for cutting off contact. But I didn’t and that’s in the past so we have to move on._

_I married the love of my life. He’s beautiful and kind and funny and I love him. I don’t want you to disappoint him like you disappointed me but I also want you to meet him because he’s the most important person in my world. He helped to show me life was worth living and that there could still be music and joy in my world when I was at my lowest point. He reminds me everyday what it means to be truly happy._

_He wants to start a family. We want to start a family. We’ve already started the very beginnings of the adoption process and it’ll be a bit before we get close to being officially parents but that’s why I’m writing you now._

_I haven’t decided whether I want you in my children’s lives or not but I know that I at the very least need to face you. I need to face the part of my past that left a big scar on my heart so that I can really heal myself. For now our child will have three grandparent: Yuuri’s parents and Yakov. I don’t know whether I’ll let you into being grandma and grandpa, if that’s even a thing you’d want. But I’m an adult now, I’m over thirty years old after all, and I need, at the very least, face this part of my past._

_So think of this as an olive branch but not an invitation back into my life. I hope I’m not disappointed again but I think, and I hope, that I won’t be. I hope that things will be different now that we’ve all had time to think and grow._

_Your Son,  
Viktor Katsuki_

 ~

Tears fell silent and unnoticed from Yuuri’s eyes, making tracks on his cheeks that were visible when he turned his face and the water caught light from inside. He set the notebook down and sat next to his husband, pulling the taller man’s head into his lap so he could pull the bun out and play mindlessly with the long, platinum strands. Viktor hummed as he woke up, keeping his eyes closed.

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep out here but if this is what happens when I do, I guess I’ll have to nap on the balcony more often.”

“You were just so beautiful, I couldn’t help myself.”

Viktor opened his eyes and frowned at Yuuri, “Love, are you crying?”

“Am I?” Yuuri touched his cheeks and laughed at the wetness there. “I guess I am. I hadn’t really noticed.”

“But why?”

“Sorry, I read your letter. I know I didn’t ask.”

“It’s okay.” Viktor blushed, thinking about the gushing things he’d said about Yuuri. It wasn’t that he’d never said those things out loud to his husband, it just felt different in writing. “It’ll involve you at some point. Assuming they respond.”

“Are you sending it then?”

“I think I’ll try. They might not even live at that address anymore so who knows what’ll happen.”

“And are you planning to release the balloon?” Yuuri asked, gesturing towards the subject of his question.

“Yes. I was going to do it once I finished this letter but I fell asleep while deciding if I liked this one.” He reached over and took the notebook, staring at it in the low light before letting it drop onto his chest. “I guess this is as good as I’m going to get it.”

After letting Yuuri braid his hair, Viktor stood and helped his husband up. He cut the balloon off the plant, holding tightly to the string. He stared at it while holding it over his head. The name of his grandma, his name for so long, stared at him as if taunting him with the things he was ready to leave behind.

Just as he began to think he wouldn’t be able to let it go, Yuuri reached over and closed his hand over Viktor’s.

“You’re not forgetting her, you’re just allowing yourself to move on. They’re not the same things. Living in the present doesn’t mean you’ve forsaken her love or her memory. But she’s just that, a memory. A lovely memory that you’ll hold onto forever.”

“Thank you.” With his free hand, Viktor intertwined his fingers with Yuuri’s. He didn’t even try to stop the quiet and warm tears that fell out of his eyes. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’d keep living because you’re strong.” Yuuri leaned up to kiss his husband. “But I think we both are better together.”

“Have I ever told you that I love you?” Viktor asked between small kisses.

“I think you might have mentioned it.” They shared a longer kiss, “Have I ever told you I love you?”

Viktor smiled and bit his lip, “You might have mentioned it.”

“Are you ready?”

Viktor nodded and they both looked at the balloon. Viktor felt a little silly using the balloon for this but it helped him to have a physical representation of his feelings. Yuiro had been right when they accused Viktor of being obsessed with taking action instead of ‘emoting.’

He took a deep breath then open his hand, Yuuri’s hand following his example. They both watched the balloon flying up into the night sky. It got smaller and smaller, the now calm night letting it fly up more or less straight. Because of the white coloring and the almost full moon they could see it for a long time. Only when it disappeared did Viktor and Yuuri look back at each other.

They shared a quick, small kiss then Yuuri smiled.

“Want to watch a movie? I’ll let you pick.”

“As long as we can watch ‘Tangled.’ I haven’t watched that in ages.”

“Anything you want, Honey.”

They left the notebook outside, Viktor deciding that if it rained that the letter just wasn’t meant to be. It wouldn't rain and he would send the letter but that was the future and in the present none of that mattered. Now all that mattered was getting their limbs tangled together, spilling popcorn that they’d leave until tomorrow to clean up, and giggling as they sang poorly along with the movie.

As the movie faded out and Yuuri slept soundly, his back pressed into Viktor’s chest, Viktor’s mind wandered back to his and Yuuri’s wedding, and he whispered a couple lines of his vows into Yuuri’s hair.

“With you by my side I will never falter, I will never fall. With you by my side I will survive every cut and every punch. With you by my side I will never be afraid.” Viktor buried his face into Yuuri’s hair, taking in a deep breath of his husband’s lemon-rosemary shampoo. “With you by my side, I will never be alone. With you by my side, the future is bright. With you by my side, I will always know love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much for short chapters, am I right?
> 
> \---
> 
> THANK YOU ALL FOR STICKING AROUND SO LONG! This has been a joy to write and all your lovely comments have really kept me going. I am planning at least one of part to this series (a series of one-shots that are mostly fluff) but I probably won't get around to that quite as quickly as I I started this fic after finishing my first one. Mostly this is because I have two AUs I've been throwing around that I really want to write first and one would be relatively short. 
> 
> That said, I could end up writing some fluff stuff for this series first because I can't be stopped. 
> 
> Actually the first thing I'll probably do is edit my two fics especially this one because I need to go in and add some stuff. Also edit all the dumb typos I made LOL!
> 
> Ummmm.... I feel like I have more to say but I'm not sure....
> 
> Thank you again for coming along on this journey, a year ago I never would have thought I'd be writing fan fic at, let alone for some figure skating sports anime. This show has changed my life, and so much for the better, and I'm so happy to be able to create content for this fandom. So, until next time, thank you for reading and commenting and leaving kudos. It really means the world to me!

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thank you for reading as well as leaving kudos and comments. 
> 
>  
> 
> [ Tumblr ](http://mismatched-ideas.tumblr.com/)


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